Shaun Alexander Interview

Shaun Alexander arrived at the offices of Paul Brown Stadium this morning for a job interview with Cincinnati Bengals’ Owner and General Manager, Mike Brown, Bengals’ Head Coach Marvin Lewis, and Vice President of Player Personnel, Paul Brown. While the results of this interview will not be formally posted for the public for at least a few days, I, being the excellent investigative reporter that I am, was able to sneak into Mike Brown’s office, and tape-record parts of the interview.

Here is the transcript of what I recorded:

Alexander: It’s nice to meet you gentlemen. Thank you for having me.
Mike Brown: Not a problem Tiki. I guess NBC got a little monotonous, and you want a return to football, eh?
Alexander: Uh, no, I’m not Tiki Barber. I’m Shaun Alexander.
Mike Brown: (whispering to Marvin Lewis) Who the hell is Shaun Alexander?
Paul Brown: Don’t worry, big brother, I’ll handle this. Hi, Shaun, My name’s Paul Brown, I’m the Vice…
Alexander: Wow. You’re Paul Brown? You’re who this stadium was named after?
Paul Brown: Uh, yeah. Yeah, that’s me! I’m pretty big time, eh? I bet you’ve never shaken the hand of such a….
Mike Brown: Pauly!
Paul Brown: Yes, sir?
Mike Brown: You know that daddy didn’t like you going around telling players you were the original Paul Brown, GM of the Bengals.
Paul Brown: But…! Uggh! It’s not fair! All the players look up to you, and they just give me wedgies and flush my head in the toilet!
Mike Brown: Pauly, you know what daddy said about the importance of your role on this team?
Paul Brown: Yes, sir.
Mike Brown: Good, now why don’t you go and wash the players’ jockey straps, and if you do a good job, there’s gonna be some Oreo cookies and a few baseball cards in it for you.
Paul Brown: Ye..Yes, Sir! That’d be swell!
(Paul Brown excitedly leaves the office.)
Mike Brown: I’m sorry about that, Tiki.
Alexander: Shaun.
Mike Brown: No, my name is Mike.
Alexander: No, my name is Shaun.
Mike Brown: Who?
Alexander: (Sigh) I’m Shaun Alexander. You know, Seattle Seahawks?
(Blank stares from Lewis and Brown)
Alexander: You know, Shaun Alexander? I won the MVP in 2005? I had the previous record for rushing touchdowns in a season? Hell, I was even on the Madden cover! Any of this ringing a bell?
Mike Brown: Look, Tiki, we’re looking for an all purpose running back here in Cincinnati.
Alexander: I can be an all purpose running back. I can block, I can receive, I can line up in the slot, I can run a tricky end-around. You name it, I can do it.
Lewis: Yeah, that sounds great. But, that’s not the kind of “all purpose” we are looking for.
Alexander: I’m not sure that I follow.
Lewis: What we want to know from you, Shaun, is can you make it rain?
Alexander: Make it rain?
Lewis: Yeah, can you pull out yo’ glock and send fools runnin’?
Alexander: My glock?
Mike Brown: Can you pimp slap a ho’ if the bitch don’t bring yo’ money?
Alexander: Mr. Brown, I don’t think…
Lewis: Can you tell the “5-0” to go (expletive deleted) they mommas?
Mike Brown: Do you firmly believe that bitches ain’t (expletive deleted) but ho’s and tricks?
Lewis: Will you bust a cap in a nigga fa’ talkin’ (expletive deleted)?
Alexander: (Standing up.) Look, I’d like to thank you gentlemen for your time, but I don’t think Cincinnati is the place for me.
Mike Brown: (Shaking Alexander’s hand.) That’s too bad, Tiki. I think we could’ve offered you a fine life here in Cincy.
Alexander: I appreciate your time.
Lewis: Hey, who’s that behind Paul’s desk with a video camera?!!!
James Westfall: CRAP! ABORT! ABORT!
Lewis: Get ‘em!
Mike Brown: Someone bust out a ‘9. Damn’t! Where the hell is Chris Henry when you need him?

Special Guest Speaker

Hi, sports fans.
James Westfall here. In light of recent statements released by the Hamilton County Police Dept., I thought that I would take this time to comment on Bengals wideout, Chris Henry. Instead, however, I have decided to turn over the floor to a new speaker at the Sports Octagon, but a great blogger, and dear friend of mine....Mr. "The Romo Sexual"
So, without further adieu, ladies and gentleman...The Romo Sexual...

Thank you, Thank you.
Thank you Mr. Westfall, Thank you fine constituents, Thank you adoring fans.
My name is The Romo Sexual, however you may better know me as the best player to never win the No Touching of the Hair of Face title. Or make the playoffs. Or make it out of last place in my division.
At any rate, I have felt a deep sorrow over the past season, that I repeatedly displayed to you in my weekly blog, "Romo's Weekly Picks." A pain I felt deep, deep down in my soul, almost as if my heart were bleeding from the inside out, or I had just eaten a bowl of Skyline chilli.
The Cincinati Bengals were playing it straight and narrow. No arrests, no holdouts, no gentleman's night club incidents, no nothing. Just a pathetic losing season. And while that is fun, it's just not quite the same.
However, here is this mornings headline, "An arrest warrant has been issued for Bengals Wide Receive Chris Henry for punching an 18 year old man in the face and for breaking his car window with a beer bottle." Chris Henry, as we all know, spent half of last season suspended by the NFL, and is the player who really started the "Cincinatti Jailbirds" bit that we have all come to know and love. (Or that I have come to say and love, and shoved down your throats at nauseu.) On top of that, Chad Johnson, the mohawked face of the Bengals' organization for the past few seasons, is threatning to hold out at the start of the '08 season because he "doesn't feel appreciated".
What all of this means is...
(pause for silent weeping of joy)
...what all of this means is that the Bengals are back to their old selves and I have got (sniff) I have got loads and loads of good joke material to last throughout next season. I often found myself getting depressed last season, afterall what is fun about posting an NFL blog if you can't talk about a Bengal being arrested? But now, it's as though order finally has been restored to the universe! (Sorry, Hank.)
And with that, I will leave you with these parting words... to the good people of Baltimore, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Houston, Indianapolis, Dallas, and New York, lock your windows, barricade your doors, don't leave your house flashing your bling, keep your car alarms on at all times, and most importantly, keep your teenage daughters locked in the basement. Because you better watch out, you better not slip....the Cincinatti Jailbirds are com'n to town!

-The Romo Sexual