The Top Ten Reasons the Dallas Cowboys will NOT make the playoffs this year.

Good morning, football fans. I know The Romo Sexual usually handles our NFL blogs, but when I contacted him last night about writing on how quickly the Cowboys have spiraled out of control, he was sobbing uncontrollably and muttered something about he was sitting in his bath tub while making toast. Not really sure what that was about.

At any rate, here it is: THE TOP 10 REASONS THE DALLAS COWBOYS WILL NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS THIS YEAR.

10. SPECIAL TEAMS ABOUT AS SPECIAL AS A TURD IN A ZIP LOCK BAG.
This was one of the major reasons the Cowboys lost in their first home playoff game in 8 years last season. It was supposed to have been addressed in the offseason, then again in training camp, then again after week 4, and now it is supposedly being addressed again. Wade, let me give you a little help: Tell your players on special teams to tackle the guy running with the ball, not bounce off of him ala Manu Ginobli.

9. CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU GUYS MAY BELIEVE, IT IS NOT CONSIDERED A NICE GESTURE TO CONTINUALLY GIVE THE OTHER TEAM THE BALL.
The Cowboys have a -6 turnover ratio so far this season. No team can be expected to win when they keep coughing up the ball. This one goes to you especially, Marion Barber: It’s called STICK’EM. LOOK INTO IT!!!!

8. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE LEAGUE’S MOST DOMINATING OFFENSIVE LINE?
The Cowboys have the second largest offensive line in the NFL, averaging 322 lbs a piece. Last year, they were clearly the most dominant as Tony Romo was consistently seen running over to the vendor in the stands and ordering a hot dog, then pulling out his cell phone to text Jessica each time before he threw the ball. Now, it seems like he’s running for his life after every snap. OMG! WTF??

7. INJURIES, INJURIES, SON OF A BITCH MORE INJURIES!
This is where I’m a little prone to give the Cowboys a break.(No pun intended) Kind of hard to win without your Pro Bowl Quarterback, your starting Left Guard, your superstar back-up running back/special teams ace, your Pro Bowl cornerback, your Pro Bowl safety, your back-up safety, your Pro Bowl punter, and your stud 1rst round pick back-up linebacker. As I’m typing this I think I just heard Greg Ellis twist an ankle.

6. THE DEFENSIVE LINE MAKES OPPOSING OFFENSES FEEL ABOUT AS MUCH DOOM AND GLOOM AS THE EASTER BUNNY AND RAINBOW BRITE.
I know that DeMarcus Ware is currently leading the league with 9 sacks, but do we know how many he would have if he stopped letting quarterbacks get out of his arms? 50? 60?? I wish the “muffed sack” were an official NFL stat, because I’m sure the Cowboys have already broken the NFL record after just 7 games. At least we could celebrate that.

5. RED JESUS LOOKS MORE THIS YEAR LIKE LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD…AS SHE’S GETTING HER ASS KICKED!
Jason “Red Jesus” Garret is the most highly paid coordinator/assistant coach in the league. He is actually making more money than three head coaches. And all of this is based on one season of work. He was brilliant last year, but this year he seems to be sleep walking through the season. Do I run the ball? Do I not run the ball? It’s really not that hard of a question! And by the way, are we sure he’s not struggling on Sundays because he was up all night Saturday singing cover for a cross-dressing band at a gay lounge? He looks like he’s wearing mascara every game! Look this Sunday, you’ll see what I’m talking about.

4. JERRY JONES IS ONLY THREE SEMESTERS AWAY FROM GRADUATING THE AL DAVIS SCHOOL OF HOW TO COMPLETELY F*CK UP AN NFL FRANCHISE.
He hired a coach simply because he knows that coach will not stand up to him. He keeps throwing money at the problem, i.e. offensive Roy Williams. He keeps reminding the players that HE’s in control, not the coach. And he can’t seem to figure out that Popcorn does not a three squares a day make.

3. T.O. NEEDS TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT GETTING THE BALL AND START WORRYING ABOUT GETTING OPEN.
This one is a no-brainer. I know he keeps blaming double and triple coverage, but come on. We all know the truth, T.O. You don’t like getting bumped at the line of scrimmage because you’re a pansy! When you get bumped at the line of scrimmage, and there is a safety 30 yds down field, that’s not double coverage! That’s you being a pansy! Now stop being a pansy! Stop it!

2. THE SECONDARY COVERS OPPOSING OFFENSES ABOUT AS CONSISTENTLY AS BRITNEY SPEARS COVERS HER WHO-WHO!
This is probably the most painful one to watch each week. Every time, and I mean EVERY TIME they’ve got their opponents at third and long, somehow a wide receiver seems to get open 25 yards down the field. How is this even possible? What are these guys doing back there? I know Terrence Newman is hurt, but it wasn’t any different the two games he was there. I know Pac Man is out making it rain some place but it wasn’t any different when he was in there either. The Cowboys need to start pulling people in off the street and giving them a try. Hell, it couldn’t possibly be any worse!

And the #1 reason the Dallas Cowboys will not make the post season this year…










I don’t need to say anything more. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go throw up.

Cowboys/Giants

I just wanted to weigh in on a little debate that is going on out there in the sporting/cyber world.
Almost every sports site has the Cowboys ranked #1 in the power rankings, with the Giants “a very close second”. Foxsports.com even has the Giants ranked in first place with the Cowboys at #2.
Let’s look at the facts.
Both teams are 3-0, however the Cowboys beat the Browns, the Eagles, and the Packers, while the Giants have beaten the Redskins, the Rams, and the Bengals.
The combined record of the Cowboys’ opponents not including the three games against the Cowboys is 4-2. The combined record of the Giants’ opponents not including the three games against the Giants is 2-4. All three teams the Cowboys played were previously undefeated at the time the ‘boys played them, while all three opponents the Giants have faced were previously winless at the time the G-men played.
The Giants struggled against the virtually comotose Bengals while the only team the Cowboys struggled against was the Eagles. The Eagles, who blew out the Rams 38-3, and made the mighty Steelers, look like a sandlot team.

I know, I know, there is a thing to be said about chalk talk, and what actually happens on the field. And there is the old moniker, “that’s why they play the game.”
But anyone who ranks the Giants higher or even says the Giants are a “close second” is smoking something. The Giants may be the second best team, but the gap between #1 and #2 is bigger than the state of Texas. The Cowboys have a “pick your poison” offense.
Gonna double team T.O.? Fine, will just throw a 50 yard bomb to Austin.
Gonna double team Austin and T.O.? Meet Mister Witten.
Gonna send in all of your DB’s to stop T.O., Austin, and Witten? The Barbarian will just run it down your throat!
Think you can smash him up? Just try to catch Felix!
And don’t even think about getting past this offensive line!
And the Defense is no slouch either, as they showed Sunday night, giving Rodgers all kinds of fits, and sacking the extremely mobile quarterback 5 times! This finally looks like a classic Wade Phillips defense, and they’re going to give opposing offenses hell all year long.

Keyshawn Johnson came close to saying it last night on Sportscenter, and I think the way they made the Packers (who were supposed to win that game, by the way) look like they weren’t even playing in the same league, I think it’s time for us Cowboys fans to start thinking big. Like real big.
Not quite ready to say it yet… but: 16 and….

(By the way, don't let the lack of blowout wins frighten you. The Cowboys could have easily beaten the Browns by 4 or 5 touchdowns, and could've beaten the Packers by 3 or 4. Not all coaches believe in running up the score. *Cough.Bill Belichick.Cough*)