We tried once again to contact The Romo Sexual about posting our weekly Dallas Cowboys blog, and once again we were turned down. He has refused any public appearances or blog postings of any kind until his beloved Tony Romo is back in full pads lining up behind center again.
However, we do have a wonderful surprise for you today. The Romo Sexual's wife, The Brady Sexual, has decided to post this week's Dallas Cowboys blog...in song!
Without further ado, here is The Brady Sexual performing, Wade Oughta Know...
Friday, October 31, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
The Top Ten Reasons the Dallas Cowboys will NOT make the playoffs this year.
Good morning, football fans. I know The Romo Sexual usually handles our NFL blogs, but when I contacted him last night about writing on how quickly the Cowboys have spiraled out of control, he was sobbing uncontrollably and muttered something about he was sitting in his bath tub while making toast. Not really sure what that was about.
At any rate, here it is: THE TOP 10 REASONS THE DALLAS COWBOYS WILL NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS THIS YEAR.
10. SPECIAL TEAMS ABOUT AS SPECIAL AS A TURD IN A ZIP LOCK BAG.
This was one of the major reasons the Cowboys lost in their first home playoff game in 8 years last season. It was supposed to have been addressed in the offseason, then again in training camp, then again after week 4, and now it is supposedly being addressed again. Wade, let me give you a little help: Tell your players on special teams to tackle the guy running with the ball, not bounce off of him ala Manu Ginobli.
9. CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU GUYS MAY BELIEVE, IT IS NOT CONSIDERED A NICE GESTURE TO CONTINUALLY GIVE THE OTHER TEAM THE BALL.
The Cowboys have a -6 turnover ratio so far this season. No team can be expected to win when they keep coughing up the ball. This one goes to you especially, Marion Barber: It’s called STICK’EM. LOOK INTO IT!!!!
8. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE LEAGUE’S MOST DOMINATING OFFENSIVE LINE?
The Cowboys have the second largest offensive line in the NFL, averaging 322 lbs a piece. Last year, they were clearly the most dominant as Tony Romo was consistently seen running over to the vendor in the stands and ordering a hot dog, then pulling out his cell phone to text Jessica each time before he threw the ball. Now, it seems like he’s running for his life after every snap. OMG! WTF??
7. INJURIES, INJURIES, SON OF A BITCH MORE INJURIES!
This is where I’m a little prone to give the Cowboys a break.(No pun intended) Kind of hard to win without your Pro Bowl Quarterback, your starting Left Guard, your superstar back-up running back/special teams ace, your Pro Bowl cornerback, your Pro Bowl safety, your back-up safety, your Pro Bowl punter, and your stud 1rst round pick back-up linebacker. As I’m typing this I think I just heard Greg Ellis twist an ankle.
6. THE DEFENSIVE LINE MAKES OPPOSING OFFENSES FEEL ABOUT AS MUCH DOOM AND GLOOM AS THE EASTER BUNNY AND RAINBOW BRITE.
I know that DeMarcus Ware is currently leading the league with 9 sacks, but do we know how many he would have if he stopped letting quarterbacks get out of his arms? 50? 60?? I wish the “muffed sack” were an official NFL stat, because I’m sure the Cowboys have already broken the NFL record after just 7 games. At least we could celebrate that.
5. RED JESUS LOOKS MORE THIS YEAR LIKE LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD…AS SHE’S GETTING HER ASS KICKED!
Jason “Red Jesus” Garret is the most highly paid coordinator/assistant coach in the league. He is actually making more money than three head coaches. And all of this is based on one season of work. He was brilliant last year, but this year he seems to be sleep walking through the season. Do I run the ball? Do I not run the ball? It’s really not that hard of a question! And by the way, are we sure he’s not struggling on Sundays because he was up all night Saturday singing cover for a cross-dressing band at a gay lounge? He looks like he’s wearing mascara every game! Look this Sunday, you’ll see what I’m talking about.
4. JERRY JONES IS ONLY THREE SEMESTERS AWAY FROM GRADUATING THE AL DAVIS SCHOOL OF HOW TO COMPLETELY F*CK UP AN NFL FRANCHISE.
He hired a coach simply because he knows that coach will not stand up to him. He keeps throwing money at the problem, i.e. offensive Roy Williams. He keeps reminding the players that HE’s in control, not the coach. And he can’t seem to figure out that Popcorn does not a three squares a day make.
3. T.O. NEEDS TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT GETTING THE BALL AND START WORRYING ABOUT GETTING OPEN.
This one is a no-brainer. I know he keeps blaming double and triple coverage, but come on. We all know the truth, T.O. You don’t like getting bumped at the line of scrimmage because you’re a pansy! When you get bumped at the line of scrimmage, and there is a safety 30 yds down field, that’s not double coverage! That’s you being a pansy! Now stop being a pansy! Stop it!
2. THE SECONDARY COVERS OPPOSING OFFENSES ABOUT AS CONSISTENTLY AS BRITNEY SPEARS COVERS HER WHO-WHO!
This is probably the most painful one to watch each week. Every time, and I mean EVERY TIME they’ve got their opponents at third and long, somehow a wide receiver seems to get open 25 yards down the field. How is this even possible? What are these guys doing back there? I know Terrence Newman is hurt, but it wasn’t any different the two games he was there. I know Pac Man is out making it rain some place but it wasn’t any different when he was in there either. The Cowboys need to start pulling people in off the street and giving them a try. Hell, it couldn’t possibly be any worse!
And the #1 reason the Dallas Cowboys will not make the post season this year…
I don’t need to say anything more. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go throw up.
At any rate, here it is: THE TOP 10 REASONS THE DALLAS COWBOYS WILL NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS THIS YEAR.
10. SPECIAL TEAMS ABOUT AS SPECIAL AS A TURD IN A ZIP LOCK BAG.
This was one of the major reasons the Cowboys lost in their first home playoff game in 8 years last season. It was supposed to have been addressed in the offseason, then again in training camp, then again after week 4, and now it is supposedly being addressed again. Wade, let me give you a little help: Tell your players on special teams to tackle the guy running with the ball, not bounce off of him ala Manu Ginobli.
9. CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU GUYS MAY BELIEVE, IT IS NOT CONSIDERED A NICE GESTURE TO CONTINUALLY GIVE THE OTHER TEAM THE BALL.
The Cowboys have a -6 turnover ratio so far this season. No team can be expected to win when they keep coughing up the ball. This one goes to you especially, Marion Barber: It’s called STICK’EM. LOOK INTO IT!!!!
8. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE LEAGUE’S MOST DOMINATING OFFENSIVE LINE?
The Cowboys have the second largest offensive line in the NFL, averaging 322 lbs a piece. Last year, they were clearly the most dominant as Tony Romo was consistently seen running over to the vendor in the stands and ordering a hot dog, then pulling out his cell phone to text Jessica each time before he threw the ball. Now, it seems like he’s running for his life after every snap. OMG! WTF??
7. INJURIES, INJURIES, SON OF A BITCH MORE INJURIES!
This is where I’m a little prone to give the Cowboys a break.(No pun intended) Kind of hard to win without your Pro Bowl Quarterback, your starting Left Guard, your superstar back-up running back/special teams ace, your Pro Bowl cornerback, your Pro Bowl safety, your back-up safety, your Pro Bowl punter, and your stud 1rst round pick back-up linebacker. As I’m typing this I think I just heard Greg Ellis twist an ankle.
6. THE DEFENSIVE LINE MAKES OPPOSING OFFENSES FEEL ABOUT AS MUCH DOOM AND GLOOM AS THE EASTER BUNNY AND RAINBOW BRITE.
I know that DeMarcus Ware is currently leading the league with 9 sacks, but do we know how many he would have if he stopped letting quarterbacks get out of his arms? 50? 60?? I wish the “muffed sack” were an official NFL stat, because I’m sure the Cowboys have already broken the NFL record after just 7 games. At least we could celebrate that.
5. RED JESUS LOOKS MORE THIS YEAR LIKE LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD…AS SHE’S GETTING HER ASS KICKED!
Jason “Red Jesus” Garret is the most highly paid coordinator/assistant coach in the league. He is actually making more money than three head coaches. And all of this is based on one season of work. He was brilliant last year, but this year he seems to be sleep walking through the season. Do I run the ball? Do I not run the ball? It’s really not that hard of a question! And by the way, are we sure he’s not struggling on Sundays because he was up all night Saturday singing cover for a cross-dressing band at a gay lounge? He looks like he’s wearing mascara every game! Look this Sunday, you’ll see what I’m talking about.
4. JERRY JONES IS ONLY THREE SEMESTERS AWAY FROM GRADUATING THE AL DAVIS SCHOOL OF HOW TO COMPLETELY F*CK UP AN NFL FRANCHISE.
He hired a coach simply because he knows that coach will not stand up to him. He keeps throwing money at the problem, i.e. offensive Roy Williams. He keeps reminding the players that HE’s in control, not the coach. And he can’t seem to figure out that Popcorn does not a three squares a day make.
3. T.O. NEEDS TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT GETTING THE BALL AND START WORRYING ABOUT GETTING OPEN.
This one is a no-brainer. I know he keeps blaming double and triple coverage, but come on. We all know the truth, T.O. You don’t like getting bumped at the line of scrimmage because you’re a pansy! When you get bumped at the line of scrimmage, and there is a safety 30 yds down field, that’s not double coverage! That’s you being a pansy! Now stop being a pansy! Stop it!
2. THE SECONDARY COVERS OPPOSING OFFENSES ABOUT AS CONSISTENTLY AS BRITNEY SPEARS COVERS HER WHO-WHO!
This is probably the most painful one to watch each week. Every time, and I mean EVERY TIME they’ve got their opponents at third and long, somehow a wide receiver seems to get open 25 yards down the field. How is this even possible? What are these guys doing back there? I know Terrence Newman is hurt, but it wasn’t any different the two games he was there. I know Pac Man is out making it rain some place but it wasn’t any different when he was in there either. The Cowboys need to start pulling people in off the street and giving them a try. Hell, it couldn’t possibly be any worse!
And the #1 reason the Dallas Cowboys will not make the post season this year…
I don’t need to say anything more. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go throw up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
