Ladies and gentlemen, here he is once again…The Romo Sexual!!!
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, James Westfall.
Whoo, it’s good to be back. Good to be back here at the Sports Octagon once again. Not a lot of things have changed since my last appearance, with the exception of course of the front page photo. I mean really, what the hell is that all about? A bunch of guys in tuxedos, showing off their underpants? I mean, am I writing about sports here, or am I writing about homosexual rights to a formal outdoor gangbang?
Sports?
Okay, great. Wise choice.
So the NFL draft is today. (Or tomorrow if you’re living in Hawaii.) And I thought, with all the mock drafts swirling about the internet these days, why not come up with “The Romo Sexual’s Annual Mock Draft”? Seriously why not? Everything else I’ve ever done has been a roaring success! Like my weekly picks. Well, no, not really. Or my run at the ‘No Touching of the Hair or Face’ crown. Okay, not so much. There was the time I…no, three people ended up getting arrested. Okay, Okay, I got it. Once I did…no, she turned out to be 16.
Well, whatever. Here is the first ever Romo Sexual Mock Draft. And we’re not exactly drafting players here, so much as teams’ needs. I would explain further, but I figure you’ll get it after the first couple of picks.
Enjoy!
1.“With the first pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Miami Dolphins select…The Dallas Cowboys, and half of their coaching staff. Oh, can’t do that? Okay, then we’ll just take half of their coaching staff, a few of their veteran players, and Jake Long out of Michigan.”
2.“With the second pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the St. Louis Rams select…An indoor driving course for Leonard Little to learn how to better drive while ‘keeping it real.’ (All subsequent single mother drivers to be placed on the roadways will have to be drafted in later rounds.)
3.“With the third pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Atlanta Falcons select… Adam Sandler, Burt Reynolds, and the screenplay rights to ‘The Longest Yard 3. Dogs is goin’ down.’
4.“With the fourth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Oakland Raiders select…This just in, the Raiders have traded their 1rst round pick, along with their 4th and 6th round picks, as well as last year’s Number 1 overall pick, Jamarcus Russell, to the Philadelphia Eagles in exchange for third-string wide receiver, Hank Baskett. It’s the Raiders, guys. Is anyone surprised?”
5.“ With the fifth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select…a grounds keeper who knows that there is an ‘I’ in the name ‘Chiefs’. “Great Googly-Moogly”
6.“With the sixth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the New York Jets select…Bill Belichick’s head on a platter.”
7.“With the seventh pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the New England Patriots select…Tonya Harding and her posse of henchmen to go ape-sh&t on Matt Walsh’s kneecaps. What’s that? Oh, okay it’s no longer requested. It appears as though coach, Bill Belichick has been be-headed. That’s too bad.”
8.“With the eighth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Baltimore Ravens select…Brian Bilick in a limo driver’s uniform, and a shot gun. No questions asked.”
9.“With the ninth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select…The Swat team, the National Guard, The Army, The Marines, NASA’s missile defense system, Rambo, that Invisible British tank, and Dateline’s Chris Hanson.”
10.“With the tenth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the New Orleans Saints select…A mulligan of the 2006 NFL draft. No? Okay, then how about a president who doesn’t hate black people?”
And the rest of the first round goes like this…
11.Buffalo Bills- A nuclear attack on Nashville, TN. Can call it…”The Music City Every Single one of you Bitches Die!”
12.Denver Broncos- A LOT of spray on tanning lotion.
13.Carolina Panthers- A team of proctologists.
14.Chicago Bears- A wide receiver willing to wear the opposing team’s jersey so that Rex Grossman can find him.
15.Detroit Lions- A wide receiver.
16.Arizona Cardinals- 30 cans of prunes and a lifetime supply of Depends for quarterback, Kurt Warner.
17.Kansas City Chiefs- “Anyone in this room who wants to buy Larry Johnson’s contract from us. Anyone? Anyone?”
18.Houston Texans- HaHa. Reggie Bush. It still makes us laugh two years later.
19.Philadelphia Eagles- A lifetime supply of wrist, neck, back, ankle, arm, and calf braces, and “No, you’re best years really are ahead of you” books for Donovan McNabb.
20.Tampa Bay Buccaneers- The clown doll from ’Poltergeist. You know, just to make it interesting.
21.Washington Redskins- “Does it really matter? Just pick someone, and give him $300,000,000.”
22.Dallas Cowboys- A chapel. So we can spend every minute we’re not in practice praying that Pacman doesn’t realize Dallas has got some of the best strip joints in the country.
23.Pittsburgh Steelers- A new mascot.
24.Tennessee Titans- A strip club. Okay, maybe not. But it just feels kind of different not talking about one.
25.Seattle Seahawks- A 60 million dollar loan so that we can guarantee it to Julius Jones. Good running backs are so hard to find these days.
26.Jacksonville Jaguars- The key to Pittsburgh’s heart. (Just seems fitting after we already raped it’s daughter last year. Twice.)
27.San Diego Chargers- Better steroids-masking agents.
28.Dallas Cowboys- Probably been stolen by the Miami Dolphins by now.
29.San Francisco 49ers.- That picture on the front page of “The Sports Octagon”
30.Green Bay Packers- Brett Favre to say it ain’t so.
31.N.Y. Giants- Eli Manning’s honeymoon pics. C’mon. Tell me you don’t want to see them!
That’s it for this year’s mock draft! We’ll see you next year, and hopefully I can put you to sleep even faster!
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
HE'S DOING WHAT?!!!!
Say it isn't so Dwayne!
From the pages of Meadiatakeout.com:
"According to a person affiliated with the Miami Heat organization, Star Jones has been picking up Dwayne after most of their recent home games. Teammates are even joking around with him about it. They say he has to watch his back - cause Al's gonna get him."
I'm not saying the rumors are true but, if they are, I will only believe that Dwayne is taking one for the team. This is the Slump Buster to end all Slump Busters. Sure, Star has lost about 100 lbs with her stomach staple but that only makes her hot like Carnie Wilson! This is EASILY one of the top 5 most disturbing things I've ever known of a professional athlete doing.
The Chuckster is removing Dwayne from his "Fav 5", as we speak.
"That's terrr-ible, just terrr-ible. You're a young man, D. Don't do it."
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Thanks, 'Nats!
Remember 2 weeks ago? Remember when the Detroit Tigers were the worst team in the history of Major League, Minor League, College, Highschool, and Little League baseball history because they had the audacity of starting 0-6?
Well, at the same time that Detroit Thug-city went 0-6, the Texas Rangers were 3-3, with some promising looking starting pitching. Since that 0-6 '8-Mile' start, the Tigers have gone 9-7, while the Rangers have gone 4-12.
That's right. Even though the Tigers were on the verge of being the first team since the Chicago 'Black'sox to being (metaphorically speaking) banned from the league all together, the Rangers have found a way to do what they do best, and sink lower than the lowest.
Worst team in the AL two weeks ago? The Tigers.
Team most likely to not make the playoffs two weeks ago? The Tigers.
Worst team in the AL now? The Rangers.
Team most likely to not make the playoffs now? The Rangers.
Team most likely to make me consider hanging myself, and would probably do so if it weren't for the fact that the Cowboys are a contender in the NFL again? The Rangers.
Most overrated team in their division? The Mavericks. (Just had to throw that in there.)
What all of this means is simple. The Rangers are the worst team in the AL, but only the SECOND worst team in the 'Bigs. Thank you, Washington Nationals. You have given us a reason to hope, and a reason to... well, actually the only thing you've given us is the privilege of saying we're not the worst team in Major League Baseball.......yet.
Well, at the same time that Detroit Thug-city went 0-6, the Texas Rangers were 3-3, with some promising looking starting pitching. Since that 0-6 '8-Mile' start, the Tigers have gone 9-7, while the Rangers have gone 4-12.
That's right. Even though the Tigers were on the verge of being the first team since the Chicago 'Black'sox to being (metaphorically speaking) banned from the league all together, the Rangers have found a way to do what they do best, and sink lower than the lowest.
Worst team in the AL two weeks ago? The Tigers.
Team most likely to not make the playoffs two weeks ago? The Tigers.
Worst team in the AL now? The Rangers.
Team most likely to not make the playoffs now? The Rangers.
Team most likely to make me consider hanging myself, and would probably do so if it weren't for the fact that the Cowboys are a contender in the NFL again? The Rangers.
Most overrated team in their division? The Mavericks. (Just had to throw that in there.)
What all of this means is simple. The Rangers are the worst team in the AL, but only the SECOND worst team in the 'Bigs. Thank you, Washington Nationals. You have given us a reason to hope, and a reason to... well, actually the only thing you've given us is the privilege of saying we're not the worst team in Major League Baseball.......yet.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Nobody Cares
So, I'm watching the NBA playoffs tonight, and after watching the Mavericks march one step closer to their annual 1rst round playoff exit, I decided to watch the Suns and Spurs, hoping to see at least one Texas team win in the last two nights.
After watching nearly 4 straight hours of NBA basketball, I started to notice a recurring theme. No, it wasn't that the officiating was bad. No, it wasn't that Charles Barkley is opinionated. And no, it wasn't that I think we've got a national crisis on our hands, because at one point I saw three white players on the court at the same time, meaning there is obviously a decline in black NBA players, and we need to pull congress together to discuss this tragedy, pay millions of dollars to study the decline in black NBA players, and maybe even have Bill Russell's wife speak at a press confrence about how this is a sad and shameful day in American history.
No, what I've noticed is that the "NBA Cares". That's right, the NBA Cares. We get it. You really don't have to spend every single commercial break reminding us. They do community service, great. But can they hit clutch free throws with the game on the line?
Now look, don't misunderstand what I'm saying here. Community service and helping out those less fortunate than you is a very important thing. It is, I get that. In fact, just the other day I found the opportunity to help a homeless guy I saw in the street. I walked within a safe 20 yards of him, and yelled, "Hey, Bum! Get out of the street before one of those cars nail you!"
But do I really need to see Michael Finnley sit in a bulldozer, pose for a photo, then get on a ladder and put two meaningless strokes of paint on the side of a house that doesn't even need painting, and pose for another photo? Really? Do I really need to see that?
I don't think so.
The NBA Cares. Great. Just stop trying to make me care that you care, because I don't.
After watching nearly 4 straight hours of NBA basketball, I started to notice a recurring theme. No, it wasn't that the officiating was bad. No, it wasn't that Charles Barkley is opinionated. And no, it wasn't that I think we've got a national crisis on our hands, because at one point I saw three white players on the court at the same time, meaning there is obviously a decline in black NBA players, and we need to pull congress together to discuss this tragedy, pay millions of dollars to study the decline in black NBA players, and maybe even have Bill Russell's wife speak at a press confrence about how this is a sad and shameful day in American history.
No, what I've noticed is that the "NBA Cares". That's right, the NBA Cares. We get it. You really don't have to spend every single commercial break reminding us. They do community service, great. But can they hit clutch free throws with the game on the line?
Now look, don't misunderstand what I'm saying here. Community service and helping out those less fortunate than you is a very important thing. It is, I get that. In fact, just the other day I found the opportunity to help a homeless guy I saw in the street. I walked within a safe 20 yards of him, and yelled, "Hey, Bum! Get out of the street before one of those cars nail you!"
But do I really need to see Michael Finnley sit in a bulldozer, pose for a photo, then get on a ladder and put two meaningless strokes of paint on the side of a house that doesn't even need painting, and pose for another photo? Really? Do I really need to see that?
I don't think so.
The NBA Cares. Great. Just stop trying to make me care that you care, because I don't.
Overheard Before The Rockets Game Monday
Friday, April 18, 2008
Japaneese Baseball Players Are Wusses
I came across this tidbit this morning....
"A Japanese high school pleaded for a regional game to be abandoned after surrendering 66 runs in less than two innings, local media reported on Thursday.
The coach of Kawamoto technical high school threw in the towel to spare his pitcher's arm with his team losing 66-0 with just one batter out in the bottom of the second.
The hapless hurler had already sent down over 250 pitches, allowing 26 runs in the first inning and 40 in the second before Kawamoto asked for mercy.
'At that pace the pitcher would have thrown around 500 pitches in four innings," Kawamoto's coach was quoted as saying. "There was a danger he could get injured.'
Opponents Shunshukan were officially credited with a 9-0 victory, giving the scoreline a tinge of respectability for the luckless Kawamoto school."
Really, coach? You start to worry about your pitcher's arm after 250 pitches? Really? I have so many questions for this coach that I don't know where to begin.
1. Was this the only pitcher you had on the team?
2. At what pitch count would you have started warming someone else up?
3. What was wrong with showing concern at 80 pitches? 100? 150?
4. Was there anyone playing in the field?
5. Does your pitcher have a minor league deal with the Cincinnati Reds?
6. Were you thinking ... "okay, its only 65 runs, we can still make it up if we.....DAMN! Another run! That's it guys, i'm calling it."
Side note - 66 runs in 1.1 innings equates to an ERA of 540. No decimal points! That's 5-4-0, as in hundreds.
"A Japanese high school pleaded for a regional game to be abandoned after surrendering 66 runs in less than two innings, local media reported on Thursday.
The coach of Kawamoto technical high school threw in the towel to spare his pitcher's arm with his team losing 66-0 with just one batter out in the bottom of the second.
The hapless hurler had already sent down over 250 pitches, allowing 26 runs in the first inning and 40 in the second before Kawamoto asked for mercy.
'At that pace the pitcher would have thrown around 500 pitches in four innings," Kawamoto's coach was quoted as saying. "There was a danger he could get injured.'
Opponents Shunshukan were officially credited with a 9-0 victory, giving the scoreline a tinge of respectability for the luckless Kawamoto school."
Really, coach? You start to worry about your pitcher's arm after 250 pitches? Really? I have so many questions for this coach that I don't know where to begin.
1. Was this the only pitcher you had on the team?
2. At what pitch count would you have started warming someone else up?
3. What was wrong with showing concern at 80 pitches? 100? 150?
4. Was there anyone playing in the field?
5. Does your pitcher have a minor league deal with the Cincinnati Reds?
6. Were you thinking ... "okay, its only 65 runs, we can still make it up if we.....DAMN! Another run! That's it guys, i'm calling it."
Side note - 66 runs in 1.1 innings equates to an ERA of 540. No decimal points! That's 5-4-0, as in hundreds.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
12 truths about The NFL Schedule
It has now been officially 24 hours since the release of the NFL regular season schedule, and I would like to point out a couple of interesting tidbits I gathered from the Dallas Cowboys' schedule:
1. The Cowboys are better than the Bengals.
2. Chad Johnson wants out of Cincy.
3. Who can blame him?
4. I'm 94% certain that 76% of the Cincinnati population likes members of the same sex.
5. Chad Johnson will probably be playing for the Cowboys in '08.
6. The Cowboys were already better than the Bengals, with Ocho Cinco they'll just be ridiculously good.
7. The Bengals suck.
8. A study by the National Journal of all things that Suck suggests that all Cincinnati Bengals fans are related.
9. That's right. If you like the Bengals, your father is probably your uncle and brother.
10. And sister.
11. What the hell were we talking about?
12. Oh yeah, the Cowboys are gonna beat the sh%t out of the Bengals on October 5th!!!!!!
1. The Cowboys are better than the Bengals.
2. Chad Johnson wants out of Cincy.
3. Who can blame him?
4. I'm 94% certain that 76% of the Cincinnati population likes members of the same sex.
5. Chad Johnson will probably be playing for the Cowboys in '08.
6. The Cowboys were already better than the Bengals, with Ocho Cinco they'll just be ridiculously good.
7. The Bengals suck.
8. A study by the National Journal of all things that Suck suggests that all Cincinnati Bengals fans are related.
9. That's right. If you like the Bengals, your father is probably your uncle and brother.
10. And sister.
11. What the hell were we talking about?
12. Oh yeah, the Cowboys are gonna beat the sh%t out of the Bengals on October 5th!!!!!!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
10 Things 'Mello Thought he thought while he wasn't thinking when he got pulled over for D.U.I.
10. I went 3 for 14 today. Time to get loaded on peach-schnapps flavored ‘Boones.
9. Wait. I’m rich now. I don’t need to be drinking ‘Boones. Hey fellas, ‘round of Taaka Vodka on me!
8. Yo, Jim Boeheim was a jackass! Just another whitey trying to hold a brotha’ down. Kind of like Isaiah. Isiah was trying to hold Bill Laimbeer down. I’m glad George Karl’s not white. Damn, this Taaka is good. Yo, barkeep. Slide us another, yo.
7. It was just one game. C’mon, no one is gonna remember just one game. I mean, look at Chris Webber’s career at Michigan. When you think of Chris Webber at Michigan, you think of a long-standing body of work.
6. Speaking of body of work, check out the blonde in the turtleneck. I bet she get’s down.
5. She’s slamin’. I wish Pacman was here, he would make it rain. Unlike me tonight. Or Chris Webber in the ’93 championship game. What a loser. Seriously, who calls a timeout when they don’t have one?
4. Hey, Baby. What’s… happenin? Oh yeah? Damn, girl, you got it goin’ on. How old are you? 17???
3. W.W.A.I.D. What would Allen Iverson do?
2. Oh, you’re only 17? (pulling stack of hundred dollar bills out of pocket and ‘flossing’ them) I’m sorry how old did you say you were? 26? Great, how about a Taaka?
1. I’m sorry officer. I don’t know how I ended up in the driver’s seat of my car as it was traveling 75 miles an hour down Main Street at 4 o’clock in the morning. I think I was being set up. Yeah, that’s it! I was set up by Barron Davis. I mean, c’mon, the dude’s got a beard! Can you really trust a dude in a beard? No, no, I think that’s a really nice beard you’ve got, officer. What I meant to say is, you can’t trust a black man in a beard. You feel me ‘brotha?
“And turn to the left. Hold up the sign. Okay turn to the right. Hold up the sign. Okay, good Mr. Anthony. Officer, please escort Mr. Anthony to cell 14-B.”
I hate Chris Webber.
9. Wait. I’m rich now. I don’t need to be drinking ‘Boones. Hey fellas, ‘round of Taaka Vodka on me!
8. Yo, Jim Boeheim was a jackass! Just another whitey trying to hold a brotha’ down. Kind of like Isaiah. Isiah was trying to hold Bill Laimbeer down. I’m glad George Karl’s not white. Damn, this Taaka is good. Yo, barkeep. Slide us another, yo.
7. It was just one game. C’mon, no one is gonna remember just one game. I mean, look at Chris Webber’s career at Michigan. When you think of Chris Webber at Michigan, you think of a long-standing body of work.
6. Speaking of body of work, check out the blonde in the turtleneck. I bet she get’s down.
5. She’s slamin’. I wish Pacman was here, he would make it rain. Unlike me tonight. Or Chris Webber in the ’93 championship game. What a loser. Seriously, who calls a timeout when they don’t have one?
4. Hey, Baby. What’s… happenin? Oh yeah? Damn, girl, you got it goin’ on. How old are you? 17???
3. W.W.A.I.D. What would Allen Iverson do?
2. Oh, you’re only 17? (pulling stack of hundred dollar bills out of pocket and ‘flossing’ them) I’m sorry how old did you say you were? 26? Great, how about a Taaka?
1. I’m sorry officer. I don’t know how I ended up in the driver’s seat of my car as it was traveling 75 miles an hour down Main Street at 4 o’clock in the morning. I think I was being set up. Yeah, that’s it! I was set up by Barron Davis. I mean, c’mon, the dude’s got a beard! Can you really trust a dude in a beard? No, no, I think that’s a really nice beard you’ve got, officer. What I meant to say is, you can’t trust a black man in a beard. You feel me ‘brotha?
“And turn to the left. Hold up the sign. Okay turn to the right. Hold up the sign. Okay, good Mr. Anthony. Officer, please escort Mr. Anthony to cell 14-B.”
I hate Chris Webber.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Browns DB Wright remains jailed on $5,000 bond
A little local flavor ...
"Pearland police say officers were investigating a disturbance in the police station parking lot around midday yesterday and approached Wright, he fled on foot before he was caught in a nearby subdivision."
Not only was he causing a disturbance in a police parking lot, he had the wacky weed on him. Two ounces worth.
I find many things wrong with this story. First of all, what are you doing causing a disturbance in a police parking lot!? This just in, they have back-up there. What could you expect to really get away with. I can't believe this guy was ever allowed to take his helmet off.
The Pearland police are actually pretty proud of themselves: "We had people on the scene pretty fast and I believe because of our quick response time and the mental and physical toughness of our officers to catch offenders, we were able to get him in custody quickly and safely." You got there "pretty fast"? ITS YOUR OWN FREAKING PARKING LOT!! Of course you got people on the scene fast! Next to the Dunkin Donuts, there is no safer place to be.
Secondly, an NFL defensive back that couldn't get separation from some Pearland cops? I know said cops. They truly advocate the coffee and donuts diet. No wonder he's out of a job. Hey, Kenny, how do you expect to keep up with the likes of Chad Johnson and Hines Ward if you can't outrun Barney Fife and Joe Friday? I don't know about you but I gotta think that "running from police" speed should be faster than NFL DB speed. Maybe the Browns should work out the cop that caught him.
Good luck against the Steelers, Kenny!
"Pearland police say officers were investigating a disturbance in the police station parking lot around midday yesterday and approached Wright, he fled on foot before he was caught in a nearby subdivision."
Not only was he causing a disturbance in a police parking lot, he had the wacky weed on him. Two ounces worth.
I find many things wrong with this story. First of all, what are you doing causing a disturbance in a police parking lot!? This just in, they have back-up there. What could you expect to really get away with. I can't believe this guy was ever allowed to take his helmet off.
The Pearland police are actually pretty proud of themselves: "We had people on the scene pretty fast and I believe because of our quick response time and the mental and physical toughness of our officers to catch offenders, we were able to get him in custody quickly and safely." You got there "pretty fast"? ITS YOUR OWN FREAKING PARKING LOT!! Of course you got people on the scene fast! Next to the Dunkin Donuts, there is no safer place to be.
Secondly, an NFL defensive back that couldn't get separation from some Pearland cops? I know said cops. They truly advocate the coffee and donuts diet. No wonder he's out of a job. Hey, Kenny, how do you expect to keep up with the likes of Chad Johnson and Hines Ward if you can't outrun Barney Fife and Joe Friday? I don't know about you but I gotta think that "running from police" speed should be faster than NFL DB speed. Maybe the Browns should work out the cop that caught him.
Good luck against the Steelers, Kenny!
Go Tigers!
Congratulations to the Detroit Tigers!
After being swept by the Kansas City Royals in their first series, (which in previous seasons was grounds for banishment from the MLB) they lost their afternoon game to the Whitesox 8-5. After Opening Week, they are the only remaining team in the bigs with a doughnut in the win column.
The countdown is on! 4 down, 158 to go! C'mon Tigers, let's go for the improbable season. 0-162 will be magical, and I hope we can all celebrate it together on the last day of September.
After being swept by the Kansas City Royals in their first series, (which in previous seasons was grounds for banishment from the MLB) they lost their afternoon game to the Whitesox 8-5. After Opening Week, they are the only remaining team in the bigs with a doughnut in the win column.
The countdown is on! 4 down, 158 to go! C'mon Tigers, let's go for the improbable season. 0-162 will be magical, and I hope we can all celebrate it together on the last day of September.
Phoebe Cates Changed My Life
If I could go off the sports path, for a moment; I noticed that one Phoebe Cates is approaching her 45th birthday. 45! She still looks amazing and achieved iconic status with her slow-motion fantasy sequence in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. This image of her became forever imprinted on a generation of teenage boys, including myself. I think I speak for all of them when I say …. “Thank you.”
"Hi Brad. You know how cute I always thought you were."
boomp3.com
"Hi Brad. You know how cute I always thought you were."
boomp3.com
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Complaint Box. Form 1032
Form 1032
Subject: Women's College Basketball
Complaint against: ESPN
To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing in regards to the constant barrage of Women's College Basketball all over ESPN. I can't even turn it on ESPN without there either being a game on, highlights of a game on, or a panel of people sitting around talking about women's games.
Quit pretending any of us care about the women's playoffs! We don't! None of them can dunk, they don't fly around the court, they don't post each other up and knock each other down...you know, the reasons we ACUTALLY watch college basketball. Sure, I know that any single one of these girls would destroy Noisewater and I in a game of 2 on 1. But, that's just my point! I just talked about Noisewater and I going 2 on 1 with a chick and I didn't even get excited! That's just not right! These girls are butt-ugly. If I don't enjoy the basketball action when I'm watching it, the least you could do is make the players hot. Hell, women's college softball players are at least hot enough to make me watch for about a half hour until I realize "Good Eats" is on.
So now the Women's final four is coming up. So What! Nobody cares! Damn you, ESPN, I just want to watch Sportscenter and not hear about the women's final four. Is that too much to ask? Everytime it's on, we gotta look at that panel of four chicks talking about the women's tournament. Yes, I know the blonde one is really hot, but come on. All she does is talk about women's college basketball! Think about it. Remember when you were in college, and you went on a date with that smoking hot babe, and all she did was talk about women's rights, and how it's unfair that men make more money than women all night? Did you call her back even if you thought you could get laid?
Well, yeah, I did too. But it still sucked when she talked!
All I'm saying is... please, ESPN, for the love of all mankind, STOP WITH THE DAMN WOMEN'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL. WE DON'T CARE!!!!
Thank you for your time.
James Westfall
Subject: Women's College Basketball
Complaint against: ESPN
To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing in regards to the constant barrage of Women's College Basketball all over ESPN. I can't even turn it on ESPN without there either being a game on, highlights of a game on, or a panel of people sitting around talking about women's games.
Quit pretending any of us care about the women's playoffs! We don't! None of them can dunk, they don't fly around the court, they don't post each other up and knock each other down...you know, the reasons we ACUTALLY watch college basketball. Sure, I know that any single one of these girls would destroy Noisewater and I in a game of 2 on 1. But, that's just my point! I just talked about Noisewater and I going 2 on 1 with a chick and I didn't even get excited! That's just not right! These girls are butt-ugly. If I don't enjoy the basketball action when I'm watching it, the least you could do is make the players hot. Hell, women's college softball players are at least hot enough to make me watch for about a half hour until I realize "Good Eats" is on.
So now the Women's final four is coming up. So What! Nobody cares! Damn you, ESPN, I just want to watch Sportscenter and not hear about the women's final four. Is that too much to ask? Everytime it's on, we gotta look at that panel of four chicks talking about the women's tournament. Yes, I know the blonde one is really hot, but come on. All she does is talk about women's college basketball! Think about it. Remember when you were in college, and you went on a date with that smoking hot babe, and all she did was talk about women's rights, and how it's unfair that men make more money than women all night? Did you call her back even if you thought you could get laid?
Well, yeah, I did too. But it still sucked when she talked!
All I'm saying is... please, ESPN, for the love of all mankind, STOP WITH THE DAMN WOMEN'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL. WE DON'T CARE!!!!
Thank you for your time.
James Westfall
Special Guest Speaker
Hi, sports fans.
James Westfall here. In light of recent statements released by the Hamilton County Police Dept., I thought that I would take this time to comment on Bengals wideout, Chris Henry. Instead, however, I have decided to turn over the floor to a new speaker at the Sports Octagon, but a great blogger, and dear friend of mine....Mr. "The Romo Sexual"
So, without further adieu, ladies and gentleman...The Romo Sexual...
Thank you, Thank you.
Thank you Mr. Westfall, Thank you fine constituents, Thank you adoring fans.
My name is The Romo Sexual, however you may better know me as the best player to never win the No Touching of the Hair of Face title. Or make the playoffs. Or make it out of last place in my division.
At any rate, I have felt a deep sorrow over the past season, that I repeatedly displayed to you in my weekly blog, "Romo's Weekly Picks." A pain I felt deep, deep down in my soul, almost as if my heart were bleeding from the inside out, or I had just eaten a bowl of Skyline chilli.
The Cincinati Bengals were playing it straight and narrow. No arrests, no holdouts, no gentleman's night club incidents, no nothing. Just a pathetic losing season. And while that is fun, it's just not quite the same.
However, here is this mornings headline, "An arrest warrant has been issued for Bengals Wide Receive Chris Henry for punching an 18 year old man in the face and for breaking his car window with a beer bottle." Chris Henry, as we all know, spent half of last season suspended by the NFL, and is the player who really started the "Cincinatti Jailbirds" bit that we have all come to know and love. (Or that I have come to say and love, and shoved down your throats at nauseu.) On top of that, Chad Johnson, the mohawked face of the Bengals' organization for the past few seasons, is threatning to hold out at the start of the '08 season because he "doesn't feel appreciated".
What all of this means is...
(pause for silent weeping of joy)
...what all of this means is that the Bengals are back to their old selves and I have got (sniff) I have got loads and loads of good joke material to last throughout next season. I often found myself getting depressed last season, afterall what is fun about posting an NFL blog if you can't talk about a Bengal being arrested? But now, it's as though order finally has been restored to the universe! (Sorry, Hank.)
And with that, I will leave you with these parting words... to the good people of Baltimore, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Houston, Indianapolis, Dallas, and New York, lock your windows, barricade your doors, don't leave your house flashing your bling, keep your car alarms on at all times, and most importantly, keep your teenage daughters locked in the basement. Because you better watch out, you better not slip....the Cincinatti Jailbirds are com'n to town!
-The Romo Sexual
James Westfall here. In light of recent statements released by the Hamilton County Police Dept., I thought that I would take this time to comment on Bengals wideout, Chris Henry. Instead, however, I have decided to turn over the floor to a new speaker at the Sports Octagon, but a great blogger, and dear friend of mine....Mr. "The Romo Sexual"
So, without further adieu, ladies and gentleman...The Romo Sexual...
Thank you, Thank you.
Thank you Mr. Westfall, Thank you fine constituents, Thank you adoring fans.
My name is The Romo Sexual, however you may better know me as the best player to never win the No Touching of the Hair of Face title. Or make the playoffs. Or make it out of last place in my division.
At any rate, I have felt a deep sorrow over the past season, that I repeatedly displayed to you in my weekly blog, "Romo's Weekly Picks." A pain I felt deep, deep down in my soul, almost as if my heart were bleeding from the inside out, or I had just eaten a bowl of Skyline chilli.
The Cincinati Bengals were playing it straight and narrow. No arrests, no holdouts, no gentleman's night club incidents, no nothing. Just a pathetic losing season. And while that is fun, it's just not quite the same.
However, here is this mornings headline, "An arrest warrant has been issued for Bengals Wide Receive Chris Henry for punching an 18 year old man in the face and for breaking his car window with a beer bottle." Chris Henry, as we all know, spent half of last season suspended by the NFL, and is the player who really started the "Cincinatti Jailbirds" bit that we have all come to know and love. (Or that I have come to say and love, and shoved down your throats at nauseu.) On top of that, Chad Johnson, the mohawked face of the Bengals' organization for the past few seasons, is threatning to hold out at the start of the '08 season because he "doesn't feel appreciated".
What all of this means is...
(pause for silent weeping of joy)
...what all of this means is that the Bengals are back to their old selves and I have got (sniff) I have got loads and loads of good joke material to last throughout next season. I often found myself getting depressed last season, afterall what is fun about posting an NFL blog if you can't talk about a Bengal being arrested? But now, it's as though order finally has been restored to the universe! (Sorry, Hank.)
And with that, I will leave you with these parting words... to the good people of Baltimore, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Houston, Indianapolis, Dallas, and New York, lock your windows, barricade your doors, don't leave your house flashing your bling, keep your car alarms on at all times, and most importantly, keep your teenage daughters locked in the basement. Because you better watch out, you better not slip....the Cincinatti Jailbirds are com'n to town!
-The Romo Sexual
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Rangers, PLAY BALL!!
Well, if you actually stayed up and watched the game till the end last night, you can’t help but not know how the hell you should feel about this team.
Good points:
1. Kevin Milwood goes 6 innings, with a 0.00 ERA.
2. Vicente Padilla goes 6 innings, with a 1.50 ERA.
3. Josh Hamilton looks like he can not only rake, but he’s a hell of an outfielder as well.
4. Milton Bradley looks like he’s going to be very solid at the plate, and he didn’t even bite the first night when an ump blew a call against him, and then the ump even chased him over to first base trying to antagonize him. (Bud Selig needs to fine the hell out of that ump, by the way, but I guess he’s got other things on his mind, like convincing congress to misremember the last 10 years of MLB.)
Bad points:
1. Rangers’ infield has 5 errors in the first two games, which led to 6 un-earned runs. Meaning of the 9 runs Seattle scored in the first two games, only 3 have been earned.
2. With the exception of his solo homer his first at-bat of the first game, Michael Young has been absolutely atrocious. 2 errors which have led to 2 un-earned runs, hit into 2 rally-ending double plays, and struck out twice.
3. As it is with all successful off-season veteran acquisitions the Rangers pick up, Josh Hamilton and Milton Bradley will be gone by the trade deadline, especially if they continue to produce.
Again, it’s all in how you look at it. You have to believe that the infield, Michael Young especially, is not going to continue to commit costly errors. However, you also have to believe that the starting pitching is NOT going to continue giving you an average of 6 innings with a 0.75 ERA. The former NL Rookie of the Year, Jason Jennings, starts tonight and it will be interesting to see how he performs. If he looks good, you can throw him on that train with Hamilton and Bradley to be out of here by the deadline, and if he’s horrible, he’s ours for good.
Oh well, what this all amounts to is it looks like it’s going to be just another season of baseball in north Texas, with the best aspect of it being that it gives you a legitimate excuse to drink beer 6 nights a week.
Good points:
1. Kevin Milwood goes 6 innings, with a 0.00 ERA.
2. Vicente Padilla goes 6 innings, with a 1.50 ERA.
3. Josh Hamilton looks like he can not only rake, but he’s a hell of an outfielder as well.
4. Milton Bradley looks like he’s going to be very solid at the plate, and he didn’t even bite the first night when an ump blew a call against him, and then the ump even chased him over to first base trying to antagonize him. (Bud Selig needs to fine the hell out of that ump, by the way, but I guess he’s got other things on his mind, like convincing congress to misremember the last 10 years of MLB.)
Bad points:
1. Rangers’ infield has 5 errors in the first two games, which led to 6 un-earned runs. Meaning of the 9 runs Seattle scored in the first two games, only 3 have been earned.
2. With the exception of his solo homer his first at-bat of the first game, Michael Young has been absolutely atrocious. 2 errors which have led to 2 un-earned runs, hit into 2 rally-ending double plays, and struck out twice.
3. As it is with all successful off-season veteran acquisitions the Rangers pick up, Josh Hamilton and Milton Bradley will be gone by the trade deadline, especially if they continue to produce.
Again, it’s all in how you look at it. You have to believe that the infield, Michael Young especially, is not going to continue to commit costly errors. However, you also have to believe that the starting pitching is NOT going to continue giving you an average of 6 innings with a 0.75 ERA. The former NL Rookie of the Year, Jason Jennings, starts tonight and it will be interesting to see how he performs. If he looks good, you can throw him on that train with Hamilton and Bradley to be out of here by the deadline, and if he’s horrible, he’s ours for good.
Oh well, what this all amounts to is it looks like it’s going to be just another season of baseball in north Texas, with the best aspect of it being that it gives you a legitimate excuse to drink beer 6 nights a week.
Bring On College Football
After the Astros 2nd pathetic output, I started looking towards the football season. Its a bit early but I (he says with tongue firmly implanted in cheek) have put out my preseason rankings.
Click here to view.
Click here to view.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Betting the NCAA Tournament
I'm a Houston Cougar, so I have no reason to ever look forward to the NCAA basketball post-season. So, my buddies and I have to find other reasons to make the tourney that much more interesting. C'mon, who doesn't bet brackets anyway?
We have brackets, but we also add a little something extra to it. The four of us: DJ, Sphincter, Meatball, and myself went to day 1 of the South regional last week with a fist full of singles. We bet on anything that comes to mind. I decided to jot a few down for posterity.
1. The first team to hit the court after halftime
2. A team would finish with an even number of points
3. MSU would not score again with 3:54 left in the first half (this paid!)
4. First 3-pointer made
5. From the women's side: An Aggie player will show "brain" before a Duke player
6. The team that would get the most FT attempts
7. Next guy on the line, misses the first
8. Which team scores first in either half
9. First team to double digits
I think you get the idea. Its especially fun when the game is in a blow out (which both were) and your little group is screaming an hollering on every play, with no apparent allegiance. Ah, good times.
We have brackets, but we also add a little something extra to it. The four of us: DJ, Sphincter, Meatball, and myself went to day 1 of the South regional last week with a fist full of singles. We bet on anything that comes to mind. I decided to jot a few down for posterity.
1. The first team to hit the court after halftime
2. A team would finish with an even number of points
3. MSU would not score again with 3:54 left in the first half (this paid!)
4. First 3-pointer made
5. From the women's side: An Aggie player will show "brain" before a Duke player
6. The team that would get the most FT attempts
7. Next guy on the line, misses the first
8. Which team scores first in either half
9. First team to double digits
I think you get the idea. Its especially fun when the game is in a blow out (which both were) and your little group is screaming an hollering on every play, with no apparent allegiance. Ah, good times.
New Season; Same 'ol Sh!t
So, I grab a six-pack and sit down in front of my TV for the day-long event known as "Opening Day" for Major League Baseball. With hopes renewed and dreaming of a pennant for either Texas team, I crack open my first beer.
First up, the Texas Rangers. Ranger's ace Kevin Millwood faced the Seattle Mariners. I enjoyed five beautiful innings of shut-out ball and then ... Fuk -u-mori happened. Who is this guy and why does he hold a MLB roster spot? He quickly gets the first guy out followed by: walk, single, wild pitch, walk, wild pitch, and double. 3 runs scored ruining any comeback.
Redemption time! Roy O vs. Triple A team San Diego. Quick, name 2 position guys that play for the Padres. Times up! Why is it that the Astros are the only team in the majors that can't hit a good pitcher? (Spoiler Alert) the Astros CAN'T hit the slider away! Here is a good tip if you're betting this season. When the Astros are facing a pitcher for the first time, take the other team and lay the runs. GUARANTEED winner. You fans know what I'm talking about.
Its still early in the season, but I already see the same 'ol writing on the wall. Rangers can't pitch and Astros can't supply run support. At least I got drunk.
First up, the Texas Rangers. Ranger's ace Kevin Millwood faced the Seattle Mariners. I enjoyed five beautiful innings of shut-out ball and then ... Fuk -u-mori happened. Who is this guy and why does he hold a MLB roster spot? He quickly gets the first guy out followed by: walk, single, wild pitch, walk, wild pitch, and double. 3 runs scored ruining any comeback.
Redemption time! Roy O vs. Triple A team San Diego. Quick, name 2 position guys that play for the Padres. Times up! Why is it that the Astros are the only team in the majors that can't hit a good pitcher? (Spoiler Alert) the Astros CAN'T hit the slider away! Here is a good tip if you're betting this season. When the Astros are facing a pitcher for the first time, take the other team and lay the runs. GUARANTEED winner. You fans know what I'm talking about.
Its still early in the season, but I already see the same 'ol writing on the wall. Rangers can't pitch and Astros can't supply run support. At least I got drunk.
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