A Calming Effect

This, as reported on ESPN.com:

Would things have played out differently if Ricky Williams had been on Cedric Benson's boat earlier this month? Williams told the Austin American-Statesman for Thursday's editions that he declined an invitation from Benson to spend a Saturday on Benson's boat in Lake Travis, Texas.
Williams told the American-Statesman that things would have played out differently if he had been on Benson's boat.

"I think if I had come down, things might have worked out a little bit differently," Williams, who is entering the final year of his contract with the Dolphins, told the newspaper. "I find I have a calming influence on people I'm around."

This got me thinking about what might just have gone down if Ricky Williams and his “calming influence” had been aboard…

Colorado River Authority #1: Excuse me son, I’m going to need you to step over here.
Benson: What’s the problem ossifer?
Colorado River Authority #1: Have you been drinking, son?
Benson: I ain’t yo son, man.
Colorado River Authority #2: He didn’t ask if you were his son. He asked you if you had been drinking!
(The door from below deck opens, and a magical, mystical cloud of smoke arises. Out comes no other than, Ricky Williams.)
Williams: Yo, man. What’s happenin?
Colorado River Authority # 1: My god, son. You’re on fire!
Williams: Naw, man. That’s just my cloud of love that follows me everywhere I go.
CRA # 2: (Holding up a flashlight) You’re eyes are blood-red. Have you been doing drugs down in there?
Williams: Look, fellas. Why don’t we all just discuss this like civil adults over a batch of my 'Ricky Williams Happy Brownies'.
CRA #1: Well, it has been a long night, and I’m all out of doughnuts.
CRA #2: Yeah, and I’ve gotta go to my girlfriends house after I get off, and I can’t eat anything over there, so what the hell?
(Each man has a brownie)

Flash forward to 2 hours later:

All four men, Benson, Williams, and the two Colorado River Authority Agents are sitting in a pile on the deck of Benson’s boat. They all have fudge and brownie crumbs on their faces, and they are all laughing hysterically.

CRA # 1: You know, Ricky, you’re all right.
CRA #2: Yeah. Hey, Ced, sorry to hear your coach is such a bitch, man.
(More Laughter)
Benson: That’s cool, man.
CRA #1: Hey, guys. I’ve got a confession to make. I only pulled your boat over because you’re all black!
(Huge roar of laughter)
CRA #2: I’ve got a confession. My girlfriend I go to see each night when I get off…(to Authority Agent #1) it’s really your wife!
(Raucous laughter)
CRA #2: And believe me…I DO get off!!!
(Laughter continues)
CRA #1: That’s okay, when you’re at my house sleeping with my wife, I’m at your house banging your 15 year old daughter!
(Tumultuous laughter)
CRA #1: She had to have three abortions just last month!
(Roaring laughter)
CRA #2: This has been great. I love you guys.
CRA #1: Yeah, thanks, Ricky. Thanks, Ced. You guys are the best.
Williams: The Cloud of Love has once again bestowed upon us a calming influence.
(More laughter)
CRA #1: I don’t know what the hell you just said, but pass me another brownie, brownie.
(Raging laughter)

Join us next time for another exciting episode of Ricky Williams and the Cloud of Love, brought to you in part, by Ricky’s calming influence.

Charles Barkley Framed!!

Just like our good friend and mentor, Ron Burgundy, Charles Barkley was set up to fail. Damn you Ernie Johnson!!!!

Shaun Alexander Interview

Shaun Alexander arrived at the offices of Paul Brown Stadium this morning for a job interview with Cincinnati Bengals’ Owner and General Manager, Mike Brown, Bengals’ Head Coach Marvin Lewis, and Vice President of Player Personnel, Paul Brown. While the results of this interview will not be formally posted for the public for at least a few days, I, being the excellent investigative reporter that I am, was able to sneak into Mike Brown’s office, and tape-record parts of the interview.

Here is the transcript of what I recorded:

Alexander: It’s nice to meet you gentlemen. Thank you for having me.
Mike Brown: Not a problem Tiki. I guess NBC got a little monotonous, and you want a return to football, eh?
Alexander: Uh, no, I’m not Tiki Barber. I’m Shaun Alexander.
Mike Brown: (whispering to Marvin Lewis) Who the hell is Shaun Alexander?
Paul Brown: Don’t worry, big brother, I’ll handle this. Hi, Shaun, My name’s Paul Brown, I’m the Vice…
Alexander: Wow. You’re Paul Brown? You’re who this stadium was named after?
Paul Brown: Uh, yeah. Yeah, that’s me! I’m pretty big time, eh? I bet you’ve never shaken the hand of such a….
Mike Brown: Pauly!
Paul Brown: Yes, sir?
Mike Brown: You know that daddy didn’t like you going around telling players you were the original Paul Brown, GM of the Bengals.
Paul Brown: But…! Uggh! It’s not fair! All the players look up to you, and they just give me wedgies and flush my head in the toilet!
Mike Brown: Pauly, you know what daddy said about the importance of your role on this team?
Paul Brown: Yes, sir.
Mike Brown: Good, now why don’t you go and wash the players’ jockey straps, and if you do a good job, there’s gonna be some Oreo cookies and a few baseball cards in it for you.
Paul Brown: Ye..Yes, Sir! That’d be swell!
(Paul Brown excitedly leaves the office.)
Mike Brown: I’m sorry about that, Tiki.
Alexander: Shaun.
Mike Brown: No, my name is Mike.
Alexander: No, my name is Shaun.
Mike Brown: Who?
Alexander: (Sigh) I’m Shaun Alexander. You know, Seattle Seahawks?
(Blank stares from Lewis and Brown)
Alexander: You know, Shaun Alexander? I won the MVP in 2005? I had the previous record for rushing touchdowns in a season? Hell, I was even on the Madden cover! Any of this ringing a bell?
Mike Brown: Look, Tiki, we’re looking for an all purpose running back here in Cincinnati.
Alexander: I can be an all purpose running back. I can block, I can receive, I can line up in the slot, I can run a tricky end-around. You name it, I can do it.
Lewis: Yeah, that sounds great. But, that’s not the kind of “all purpose” we are looking for.
Alexander: I’m not sure that I follow.
Lewis: What we want to know from you, Shaun, is can you make it rain?
Alexander: Make it rain?
Lewis: Yeah, can you pull out yo’ glock and send fools runnin’?
Alexander: My glock?
Mike Brown: Can you pimp slap a ho’ if the bitch don’t bring yo’ money?
Alexander: Mr. Brown, I don’t think…
Lewis: Can you tell the “5-0” to go (expletive deleted) they mommas?
Mike Brown: Do you firmly believe that bitches ain’t (expletive deleted) but ho’s and tricks?
Lewis: Will you bust a cap in a nigga fa’ talkin’ (expletive deleted)?
Alexander: (Standing up.) Look, I’d like to thank you gentlemen for your time, but I don’t think Cincinnati is the place for me.
Mike Brown: (Shaking Alexander’s hand.) That’s too bad, Tiki. I think we could’ve offered you a fine life here in Cincy.
Alexander: I appreciate your time.
Lewis: Hey, who’s that behind Paul’s desk with a video camera?!!!
James Westfall: CRAP! ABORT! ABORT!
Lewis: Get ‘em!
Mike Brown: Someone bust out a ‘9. Damn’t! Where the hell is Chris Henry when you need him?