I got this from Awful Announcing and had to pass it on. Rich Shea was the color commentator for the Nathan's hot dog eating contest this year and he got off some classics.
The Lohan reference had me rolling!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
A Calming Effect
This, as reported on ESPN.com:
Would things have played out differently if Ricky Williams had been on Cedric Benson's boat earlier this month? Williams told the Austin American-Statesman for Thursday's editions that he declined an invitation from Benson to spend a Saturday on Benson's boat in Lake Travis, Texas.
Williams told the American-Statesman that things would have played out differently if he had been on Benson's boat.
"I think if I had come down, things might have worked out a little bit differently," Williams, who is entering the final year of his contract with the Dolphins, told the newspaper. "I find I have a calming influence on people I'm around."
This got me thinking about what might just have gone down if Ricky Williams and his “calming influence” had been aboard…
Colorado River Authority #1: Excuse me son, I’m going to need you to step over here.
Benson: What’s the problem ossifer?
Colorado River Authority #1: Have you been drinking, son?
Benson: I ain’t yo son, man.
Colorado River Authority #2: He didn’t ask if you were his son. He asked you if you had been drinking!
(The door from below deck opens, and a magical, mystical cloud of smoke arises. Out comes no other than, Ricky Williams.)
Williams: Yo, man. What’s happenin?
Colorado River Authority # 1: My god, son. You’re on fire!
Williams: Naw, man. That’s just my cloud of love that follows me everywhere I go.
CRA # 2: (Holding up a flashlight) You’re eyes are blood-red. Have you been doing drugs down in there?
Williams: Look, fellas. Why don’t we all just discuss this like civil adults over a batch of my 'Ricky Williams Happy Brownies'.
CRA #1: Well, it has been a long night, and I’m all out of doughnuts.
CRA #2: Yeah, and I’ve gotta go to my girlfriends house after I get off, and I can’t eat anything over there, so what the hell?
(Each man has a brownie)
Flash forward to 2 hours later:
All four men, Benson, Williams, and the two Colorado River Authority Agents are sitting in a pile on the deck of Benson’s boat. They all have fudge and brownie crumbs on their faces, and they are all laughing hysterically.
CRA # 1: You know, Ricky, you’re all right.
CRA #2: Yeah. Hey, Ced, sorry to hear your coach is such a bitch, man.
(More Laughter)
Benson: That’s cool, man.
CRA #1: Hey, guys. I’ve got a confession to make. I only pulled your boat over because you’re all black!
(Huge roar of laughter)
CRA #2: I’ve got a confession. My girlfriend I go to see each night when I get off…(to Authority Agent #1) it’s really your wife!
(Raucous laughter)
CRA #2: And believe me…I DO get off!!!
(Laughter continues)
CRA #1: That’s okay, when you’re at my house sleeping with my wife, I’m at your house banging your 15 year old daughter!
(Tumultuous laughter)
CRA #1: She had to have three abortions just last month!
(Roaring laughter)
CRA #2: This has been great. I love you guys.
CRA #1: Yeah, thanks, Ricky. Thanks, Ced. You guys are the best.
Williams: The Cloud of Love has once again bestowed upon us a calming influence.
(More laughter)
CRA #1: I don’t know what the hell you just said, but pass me another brownie, brownie.
(Raging laughter)
Join us next time for another exciting episode of Ricky Williams and the Cloud of Love, brought to you in part, by Ricky’s calming influence.
Would things have played out differently if Ricky Williams had been on Cedric Benson's boat earlier this month? Williams told the Austin American-Statesman for Thursday's editions that he declined an invitation from Benson to spend a Saturday on Benson's boat in Lake Travis, Texas.
Williams told the American-Statesman that things would have played out differently if he had been on Benson's boat.
"I think if I had come down, things might have worked out a little bit differently," Williams, who is entering the final year of his contract with the Dolphins, told the newspaper. "I find I have a calming influence on people I'm around."
This got me thinking about what might just have gone down if Ricky Williams and his “calming influence” had been aboard…
Colorado River Authority #1: Excuse me son, I’m going to need you to step over here.
Benson: What’s the problem ossifer?
Colorado River Authority #1: Have you been drinking, son?
Benson: I ain’t yo son, man.
Colorado River Authority #2: He didn’t ask if you were his son. He asked you if you had been drinking!
(The door from below deck opens, and a magical, mystical cloud of smoke arises. Out comes no other than, Ricky Williams.)
Williams: Yo, man. What’s happenin?
Colorado River Authority # 1: My god, son. You’re on fire!
Williams: Naw, man. That’s just my cloud of love that follows me everywhere I go.
CRA # 2: (Holding up a flashlight) You’re eyes are blood-red. Have you been doing drugs down in there?
Williams: Look, fellas. Why don’t we all just discuss this like civil adults over a batch of my 'Ricky Williams Happy Brownies'.
CRA #1: Well, it has been a long night, and I’m all out of doughnuts.
CRA #2: Yeah, and I’ve gotta go to my girlfriends house after I get off, and I can’t eat anything over there, so what the hell?
(Each man has a brownie)
Flash forward to 2 hours later:
All four men, Benson, Williams, and the two Colorado River Authority Agents are sitting in a pile on the deck of Benson’s boat. They all have fudge and brownie crumbs on their faces, and they are all laughing hysterically.
CRA # 1: You know, Ricky, you’re all right.
CRA #2: Yeah. Hey, Ced, sorry to hear your coach is such a bitch, man.
(More Laughter)
Benson: That’s cool, man.
CRA #1: Hey, guys. I’ve got a confession to make. I only pulled your boat over because you’re all black!
(Huge roar of laughter)
CRA #2: I’ve got a confession. My girlfriend I go to see each night when I get off…(to Authority Agent #1) it’s really your wife!
(Raucous laughter)
CRA #2: And believe me…I DO get off!!!
(Laughter continues)
CRA #1: That’s okay, when you’re at my house sleeping with my wife, I’m at your house banging your 15 year old daughter!
(Tumultuous laughter)
CRA #1: She had to have three abortions just last month!
(Roaring laughter)
CRA #2: This has been great. I love you guys.
CRA #1: Yeah, thanks, Ricky. Thanks, Ced. You guys are the best.
Williams: The Cloud of Love has once again bestowed upon us a calming influence.
(More laughter)
CRA #1: I don’t know what the hell you just said, but pass me another brownie, brownie.
(Raging laughter)
Join us next time for another exciting episode of Ricky Williams and the Cloud of Love, brought to you in part, by Ricky’s calming influence.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Charles Barkley Framed!!
Just like our good friend and mentor, Ron Burgundy, Charles Barkley was set up to fail. Damn you Ernie Johnson!!!!
Friday, May 2, 2008
Shaun Alexander Interview
Shaun Alexander arrived at the offices of Paul Brown Stadium this morning for a job interview with Cincinnati Bengals’ Owner and General Manager, Mike Brown, Bengals’ Head Coach Marvin Lewis, and Vice President of Player Personnel, Paul Brown. While the results of this interview will not be formally posted for the public for at least a few days, I, being the excellent investigative reporter that I am, was able to sneak into Mike Brown’s office, and tape-record parts of the interview.
Here is the transcript of what I recorded:
Alexander: It’s nice to meet you gentlemen. Thank you for having me.
Mike Brown: Not a problem Tiki. I guess NBC got a little monotonous, and you want a return to football, eh?
Alexander: Uh, no, I’m not Tiki Barber. I’m Shaun Alexander.
Mike Brown: (whispering to Marvin Lewis) Who the hell is Shaun Alexander?
Paul Brown: Don’t worry, big brother, I’ll handle this. Hi, Shaun, My name’s Paul Brown, I’m the Vice…
Alexander: Wow. You’re Paul Brown? You’re who this stadium was named after?
Paul Brown: Uh, yeah. Yeah, that’s me! I’m pretty big time, eh? I bet you’ve never shaken the hand of such a….
Mike Brown: Pauly!
Paul Brown: Yes, sir?
Mike Brown: You know that daddy didn’t like you going around telling players you were the original Paul Brown, GM of the Bengals.
Paul Brown: But…! Uggh! It’s not fair! All the players look up to you, and they just give me wedgies and flush my head in the toilet!
Mike Brown: Pauly, you know what daddy said about the importance of your role on this team?
Paul Brown: Yes, sir.
Mike Brown: Good, now why don’t you go and wash the players’ jockey straps, and if you do a good job, there’s gonna be some Oreo cookies and a few baseball cards in it for you.
Paul Brown: Ye..Yes, Sir! That’d be swell!
(Paul Brown excitedly leaves the office.)
Mike Brown: I’m sorry about that, Tiki.
Alexander: Shaun.
Mike Brown: No, my name is Mike.
Alexander: No, my name is Shaun.
Mike Brown: Who?
Alexander: (Sigh) I’m Shaun Alexander. You know, Seattle Seahawks?
(Blank stares from Lewis and Brown)
Alexander: You know, Shaun Alexander? I won the MVP in 2005? I had the previous record for rushing touchdowns in a season? Hell, I was even on the Madden cover! Any of this ringing a bell?
Mike Brown: Look, Tiki, we’re looking for an all purpose running back here in Cincinnati.
Alexander: I can be an all purpose running back. I can block, I can receive, I can line up in the slot, I can run a tricky end-around. You name it, I can do it.
Lewis: Yeah, that sounds great. But, that’s not the kind of “all purpose” we are looking for.
Alexander: I’m not sure that I follow.
Lewis: What we want to know from you, Shaun, is can you make it rain?
Alexander: Make it rain?
Lewis: Yeah, can you pull out yo’ glock and send fools runnin’?
Alexander: My glock?
Mike Brown: Can you pimp slap a ho’ if the bitch don’t bring yo’ money?
Alexander: Mr. Brown, I don’t think…
Lewis: Can you tell the “5-0” to go (expletive deleted) they mommas?
Mike Brown: Do you firmly believe that bitches ain’t (expletive deleted) but ho’s and tricks?
Lewis: Will you bust a cap in a nigga fa’ talkin’ (expletive deleted)?
Alexander: (Standing up.) Look, I’d like to thank you gentlemen for your time, but I don’t think Cincinnati is the place for me.
Mike Brown: (Shaking Alexander’s hand.) That’s too bad, Tiki. I think we could’ve offered you a fine life here in Cincy.
Alexander: I appreciate your time.
Lewis: Hey, who’s that behind Paul’s desk with a video camera?!!!
James Westfall: CRAP! ABORT! ABORT!
Lewis: Get ‘em!
Mike Brown: Someone bust out a ‘9. Damn’t! Where the hell is Chris Henry when you need him?
Here is the transcript of what I recorded:
Alexander: It’s nice to meet you gentlemen. Thank you for having me.
Mike Brown: Not a problem Tiki. I guess NBC got a little monotonous, and you want a return to football, eh?
Alexander: Uh, no, I’m not Tiki Barber. I’m Shaun Alexander.
Mike Brown: (whispering to Marvin Lewis) Who the hell is Shaun Alexander?
Paul Brown: Don’t worry, big brother, I’ll handle this. Hi, Shaun, My name’s Paul Brown, I’m the Vice…
Alexander: Wow. You’re Paul Brown? You’re who this stadium was named after?
Paul Brown: Uh, yeah. Yeah, that’s me! I’m pretty big time, eh? I bet you’ve never shaken the hand of such a….
Mike Brown: Pauly!
Paul Brown: Yes, sir?
Mike Brown: You know that daddy didn’t like you going around telling players you were the original Paul Brown, GM of the Bengals.
Paul Brown: But…! Uggh! It’s not fair! All the players look up to you, and they just give me wedgies and flush my head in the toilet!
Mike Brown: Pauly, you know what daddy said about the importance of your role on this team?
Paul Brown: Yes, sir.
Mike Brown: Good, now why don’t you go and wash the players’ jockey straps, and if you do a good job, there’s gonna be some Oreo cookies and a few baseball cards in it for you.
Paul Brown: Ye..Yes, Sir! That’d be swell!
(Paul Brown excitedly leaves the office.)
Mike Brown: I’m sorry about that, Tiki.
Alexander: Shaun.
Mike Brown: No, my name is Mike.
Alexander: No, my name is Shaun.
Mike Brown: Who?
Alexander: (Sigh) I’m Shaun Alexander. You know, Seattle Seahawks?
(Blank stares from Lewis and Brown)
Alexander: You know, Shaun Alexander? I won the MVP in 2005? I had the previous record for rushing touchdowns in a season? Hell, I was even on the Madden cover! Any of this ringing a bell?
Mike Brown: Look, Tiki, we’re looking for an all purpose running back here in Cincinnati.
Alexander: I can be an all purpose running back. I can block, I can receive, I can line up in the slot, I can run a tricky end-around. You name it, I can do it.
Lewis: Yeah, that sounds great. But, that’s not the kind of “all purpose” we are looking for.
Alexander: I’m not sure that I follow.
Lewis: What we want to know from you, Shaun, is can you make it rain?
Alexander: Make it rain?
Lewis: Yeah, can you pull out yo’ glock and send fools runnin’?
Alexander: My glock?
Mike Brown: Can you pimp slap a ho’ if the bitch don’t bring yo’ money?
Alexander: Mr. Brown, I don’t think…
Lewis: Can you tell the “5-0” to go (expletive deleted) they mommas?
Mike Brown: Do you firmly believe that bitches ain’t (expletive deleted) but ho’s and tricks?
Lewis: Will you bust a cap in a nigga fa’ talkin’ (expletive deleted)?
Alexander: (Standing up.) Look, I’d like to thank you gentlemen for your time, but I don’t think Cincinnati is the place for me.
Mike Brown: (Shaking Alexander’s hand.) That’s too bad, Tiki. I think we could’ve offered you a fine life here in Cincy.
Alexander: I appreciate your time.
Lewis: Hey, who’s that behind Paul’s desk with a video camera?!!!
James Westfall: CRAP! ABORT! ABORT!
Lewis: Get ‘em!
Mike Brown: Someone bust out a ‘9. Damn’t! Where the hell is Chris Henry when you need him?
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Heeeee'ssss Baaaaaaaccckk!
Ladies and gentlemen, here he is once again…The Romo Sexual!!!
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, James Westfall.
Whoo, it’s good to be back. Good to be back here at the Sports Octagon once again. Not a lot of things have changed since my last appearance, with the exception of course of the front page photo. I mean really, what the hell is that all about? A bunch of guys in tuxedos, showing off their underpants? I mean, am I writing about sports here, or am I writing about homosexual rights to a formal outdoor gangbang?
Sports?
Okay, great. Wise choice.
So the NFL draft is today. (Or tomorrow if you’re living in Hawaii.) And I thought, with all the mock drafts swirling about the internet these days, why not come up with “The Romo Sexual’s Annual Mock Draft”? Seriously why not? Everything else I’ve ever done has been a roaring success! Like my weekly picks. Well, no, not really. Or my run at the ‘No Touching of the Hair or Face’ crown. Okay, not so much. There was the time I…no, three people ended up getting arrested. Okay, Okay, I got it. Once I did…no, she turned out to be 16.
Well, whatever. Here is the first ever Romo Sexual Mock Draft. And we’re not exactly drafting players here, so much as teams’ needs. I would explain further, but I figure you’ll get it after the first couple of picks.
Enjoy!
1.“With the first pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Miami Dolphins select…The Dallas Cowboys, and half of their coaching staff. Oh, can’t do that? Okay, then we’ll just take half of their coaching staff, a few of their veteran players, and Jake Long out of Michigan.”
2.“With the second pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the St. Louis Rams select…An indoor driving course for Leonard Little to learn how to better drive while ‘keeping it real.’ (All subsequent single mother drivers to be placed on the roadways will have to be drafted in later rounds.)
3.“With the third pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Atlanta Falcons select… Adam Sandler, Burt Reynolds, and the screenplay rights to ‘The Longest Yard 3. Dogs is goin’ down.’
4.“With the fourth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Oakland Raiders select…This just in, the Raiders have traded their 1rst round pick, along with their 4th and 6th round picks, as well as last year’s Number 1 overall pick, Jamarcus Russell, to the Philadelphia Eagles in exchange for third-string wide receiver, Hank Baskett. It’s the Raiders, guys. Is anyone surprised?”
5.“ With the fifth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select…a grounds keeper who knows that there is an ‘I’ in the name ‘Chiefs’. “Great Googly-Moogly”
6.“With the sixth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the New York Jets select…Bill Belichick’s head on a platter.”
7.“With the seventh pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the New England Patriots select…Tonya Harding and her posse of henchmen to go ape-sh&t on Matt Walsh’s kneecaps. What’s that? Oh, okay it’s no longer requested. It appears as though coach, Bill Belichick has been be-headed. That’s too bad.”
8.“With the eighth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Baltimore Ravens select…Brian Bilick in a limo driver’s uniform, and a shot gun. No questions asked.”
9.“With the ninth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select…The Swat team, the National Guard, The Army, The Marines, NASA’s missile defense system, Rambo, that Invisible British tank, and Dateline’s Chris Hanson.”
10.“With the tenth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the New Orleans Saints select…A mulligan of the 2006 NFL draft. No? Okay, then how about a president who doesn’t hate black people?”
And the rest of the first round goes like this…
11.Buffalo Bills- A nuclear attack on Nashville, TN. Can call it…”The Music City Every Single one of you Bitches Die!”
12.Denver Broncos- A LOT of spray on tanning lotion.
13.Carolina Panthers- A team of proctologists.
14.Chicago Bears- A wide receiver willing to wear the opposing team’s jersey so that Rex Grossman can find him.
15.Detroit Lions- A wide receiver.
16.Arizona Cardinals- 30 cans of prunes and a lifetime supply of Depends for quarterback, Kurt Warner.
17.Kansas City Chiefs- “Anyone in this room who wants to buy Larry Johnson’s contract from us. Anyone? Anyone?”
18.Houston Texans- HaHa. Reggie Bush. It still makes us laugh two years later.
19.Philadelphia Eagles- A lifetime supply of wrist, neck, back, ankle, arm, and calf braces, and “No, you’re best years really are ahead of you” books for Donovan McNabb.
20.Tampa Bay Buccaneers- The clown doll from ’Poltergeist. You know, just to make it interesting.
21.Washington Redskins- “Does it really matter? Just pick someone, and give him $300,000,000.”
22.Dallas Cowboys- A chapel. So we can spend every minute we’re not in practice praying that Pacman doesn’t realize Dallas has got some of the best strip joints in the country.
23.Pittsburgh Steelers- A new mascot.
24.Tennessee Titans- A strip club. Okay, maybe not. But it just feels kind of different not talking about one.
25.Seattle Seahawks- A 60 million dollar loan so that we can guarantee it to Julius Jones. Good running backs are so hard to find these days.
26.Jacksonville Jaguars- The key to Pittsburgh’s heart. (Just seems fitting after we already raped it’s daughter last year. Twice.)
27.San Diego Chargers- Better steroids-masking agents.
28.Dallas Cowboys- Probably been stolen by the Miami Dolphins by now.
29.San Francisco 49ers.- That picture on the front page of “The Sports Octagon”
30.Green Bay Packers- Brett Favre to say it ain’t so.
31.N.Y. Giants- Eli Manning’s honeymoon pics. C’mon. Tell me you don’t want to see them!
That’s it for this year’s mock draft! We’ll see you next year, and hopefully I can put you to sleep even faster!
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, James Westfall.
Whoo, it’s good to be back. Good to be back here at the Sports Octagon once again. Not a lot of things have changed since my last appearance, with the exception of course of the front page photo. I mean really, what the hell is that all about? A bunch of guys in tuxedos, showing off their underpants? I mean, am I writing about sports here, or am I writing about homosexual rights to a formal outdoor gangbang?
Sports?
Okay, great. Wise choice.
So the NFL draft is today. (Or tomorrow if you’re living in Hawaii.) And I thought, with all the mock drafts swirling about the internet these days, why not come up with “The Romo Sexual’s Annual Mock Draft”? Seriously why not? Everything else I’ve ever done has been a roaring success! Like my weekly picks. Well, no, not really. Or my run at the ‘No Touching of the Hair or Face’ crown. Okay, not so much. There was the time I…no, three people ended up getting arrested. Okay, Okay, I got it. Once I did…no, she turned out to be 16.
Well, whatever. Here is the first ever Romo Sexual Mock Draft. And we’re not exactly drafting players here, so much as teams’ needs. I would explain further, but I figure you’ll get it after the first couple of picks.
Enjoy!
1.“With the first pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Miami Dolphins select…The Dallas Cowboys, and half of their coaching staff. Oh, can’t do that? Okay, then we’ll just take half of their coaching staff, a few of their veteran players, and Jake Long out of Michigan.”
2.“With the second pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the St. Louis Rams select…An indoor driving course for Leonard Little to learn how to better drive while ‘keeping it real.’ (All subsequent single mother drivers to be placed on the roadways will have to be drafted in later rounds.)
3.“With the third pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Atlanta Falcons select… Adam Sandler, Burt Reynolds, and the screenplay rights to ‘The Longest Yard 3. Dogs is goin’ down.’
4.“With the fourth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Oakland Raiders select…This just in, the Raiders have traded their 1rst round pick, along with their 4th and 6th round picks, as well as last year’s Number 1 overall pick, Jamarcus Russell, to the Philadelphia Eagles in exchange for third-string wide receiver, Hank Baskett. It’s the Raiders, guys. Is anyone surprised?”
5.“ With the fifth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select…a grounds keeper who knows that there is an ‘I’ in the name ‘Chiefs’. “Great Googly-Moogly”
6.“With the sixth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the New York Jets select…Bill Belichick’s head on a platter.”
7.“With the seventh pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the New England Patriots select…Tonya Harding and her posse of henchmen to go ape-sh&t on Matt Walsh’s kneecaps. What’s that? Oh, okay it’s no longer requested. It appears as though coach, Bill Belichick has been be-headed. That’s too bad.”
8.“With the eighth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Baltimore Ravens select…Brian Bilick in a limo driver’s uniform, and a shot gun. No questions asked.”
9.“With the ninth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select…The Swat team, the National Guard, The Army, The Marines, NASA’s missile defense system, Rambo, that Invisible British tank, and Dateline’s Chris Hanson.”
10.“With the tenth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the New Orleans Saints select…A mulligan of the 2006 NFL draft. No? Okay, then how about a president who doesn’t hate black people?”
And the rest of the first round goes like this…
11.Buffalo Bills- A nuclear attack on Nashville, TN. Can call it…”The Music City Every Single one of you Bitches Die!”
12.Denver Broncos- A LOT of spray on tanning lotion.
13.Carolina Panthers- A team of proctologists.
14.Chicago Bears- A wide receiver willing to wear the opposing team’s jersey so that Rex Grossman can find him.
15.Detroit Lions- A wide receiver.
16.Arizona Cardinals- 30 cans of prunes and a lifetime supply of Depends for quarterback, Kurt Warner.
17.Kansas City Chiefs- “Anyone in this room who wants to buy Larry Johnson’s contract from us. Anyone? Anyone?”
18.Houston Texans- HaHa. Reggie Bush. It still makes us laugh two years later.
19.Philadelphia Eagles- A lifetime supply of wrist, neck, back, ankle, arm, and calf braces, and “No, you’re best years really are ahead of you” books for Donovan McNabb.
20.Tampa Bay Buccaneers- The clown doll from ’Poltergeist. You know, just to make it interesting.
21.Washington Redskins- “Does it really matter? Just pick someone, and give him $300,000,000.”
22.Dallas Cowboys- A chapel. So we can spend every minute we’re not in practice praying that Pacman doesn’t realize Dallas has got some of the best strip joints in the country.
23.Pittsburgh Steelers- A new mascot.
24.Tennessee Titans- A strip club. Okay, maybe not. But it just feels kind of different not talking about one.
25.Seattle Seahawks- A 60 million dollar loan so that we can guarantee it to Julius Jones. Good running backs are so hard to find these days.
26.Jacksonville Jaguars- The key to Pittsburgh’s heart. (Just seems fitting after we already raped it’s daughter last year. Twice.)
27.San Diego Chargers- Better steroids-masking agents.
28.Dallas Cowboys- Probably been stolen by the Miami Dolphins by now.
29.San Francisco 49ers.- That picture on the front page of “The Sports Octagon”
30.Green Bay Packers- Brett Favre to say it ain’t so.
31.N.Y. Giants- Eli Manning’s honeymoon pics. C’mon. Tell me you don’t want to see them!
That’s it for this year’s mock draft! We’ll see you next year, and hopefully I can put you to sleep even faster!
Friday, April 25, 2008
HE'S DOING WHAT?!!!!
Say it isn't so Dwayne!
From the pages of Meadiatakeout.com:
"According to a person affiliated with the Miami Heat organization, Star Jones has been picking up Dwayne after most of their recent home games. Teammates are even joking around with him about it. They say he has to watch his back - cause Al's gonna get him."
I'm not saying the rumors are true but, if they are, I will only believe that Dwayne is taking one for the team. This is the Slump Buster to end all Slump Busters. Sure, Star has lost about 100 lbs with her stomach staple but that only makes her hot like Carnie Wilson! This is EASILY one of the top 5 most disturbing things I've ever known of a professional athlete doing.
The Chuckster is removing Dwayne from his "Fav 5", as we speak.
"That's terrr-ible, just terrr-ible. You're a young man, D. Don't do it."
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Thanks, 'Nats!
Remember 2 weeks ago? Remember when the Detroit Tigers were the worst team in the history of Major League, Minor League, College, Highschool, and Little League baseball history because they had the audacity of starting 0-6?
Well, at the same time that Detroit Thug-city went 0-6, the Texas Rangers were 3-3, with some promising looking starting pitching. Since that 0-6 '8-Mile' start, the Tigers have gone 9-7, while the Rangers have gone 4-12.
That's right. Even though the Tigers were on the verge of being the first team since the Chicago 'Black'sox to being (metaphorically speaking) banned from the league all together, the Rangers have found a way to do what they do best, and sink lower than the lowest.
Worst team in the AL two weeks ago? The Tigers.
Team most likely to not make the playoffs two weeks ago? The Tigers.
Worst team in the AL now? The Rangers.
Team most likely to not make the playoffs now? The Rangers.
Team most likely to make me consider hanging myself, and would probably do so if it weren't for the fact that the Cowboys are a contender in the NFL again? The Rangers.
Most overrated team in their division? The Mavericks. (Just had to throw that in there.)
What all of this means is simple. The Rangers are the worst team in the AL, but only the SECOND worst team in the 'Bigs. Thank you, Washington Nationals. You have given us a reason to hope, and a reason to... well, actually the only thing you've given us is the privilege of saying we're not the worst team in Major League Baseball.......yet.
Well, at the same time that Detroit Thug-city went 0-6, the Texas Rangers were 3-3, with some promising looking starting pitching. Since that 0-6 '8-Mile' start, the Tigers have gone 9-7, while the Rangers have gone 4-12.
That's right. Even though the Tigers were on the verge of being the first team since the Chicago 'Black'sox to being (metaphorically speaking) banned from the league all together, the Rangers have found a way to do what they do best, and sink lower than the lowest.
Worst team in the AL two weeks ago? The Tigers.
Team most likely to not make the playoffs two weeks ago? The Tigers.
Worst team in the AL now? The Rangers.
Team most likely to not make the playoffs now? The Rangers.
Team most likely to make me consider hanging myself, and would probably do so if it weren't for the fact that the Cowboys are a contender in the NFL again? The Rangers.
Most overrated team in their division? The Mavericks. (Just had to throw that in there.)
What all of this means is simple. The Rangers are the worst team in the AL, but only the SECOND worst team in the 'Bigs. Thank you, Washington Nationals. You have given us a reason to hope, and a reason to... well, actually the only thing you've given us is the privilege of saying we're not the worst team in Major League Baseball.......yet.
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