Heeeee'ssss Baaaaaaaccckk!

Ladies and gentlemen, here he is once again…The Romo Sexual!!!

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, James Westfall.
Whoo, it’s good to be back. Good to be back here at the Sports Octagon once again. Not a lot of things have changed since my last appearance, with the exception of course of the front page photo. I mean really, what the hell is that all about? A bunch of guys in tuxedos, showing off their underpants? I mean, am I writing about sports here, or am I writing about homosexual rights to a formal outdoor gangbang?

Sports?
Okay, great. Wise choice.
So the NFL draft is today. (Or tomorrow if you’re living in Hawaii.) And I thought, with all the mock drafts swirling about the internet these days, why not come up with “The Romo Sexual’s Annual Mock Draft”? Seriously why not? Everything else I’ve ever done has been a roaring success! Like my weekly picks. Well, no, not really. Or my run at the ‘No Touching of the Hair or Face’ crown. Okay, not so much. There was the time I…no, three people ended up getting arrested. Okay, Okay, I got it. Once I did…no, she turned out to be 16.
Well, whatever. Here is the first ever Romo Sexual Mock Draft. And we’re not exactly drafting players here, so much as teams’ needs. I would explain further, but I figure you’ll get it after the first couple of picks.
Enjoy!

1.“With the first pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Miami Dolphins select…The Dallas Cowboys, and half of their coaching staff. Oh, can’t do that? Okay, then we’ll just take half of their coaching staff, a few of their veteran players, and Jake Long out of Michigan.”

2.“With the second pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the St. Louis Rams select…An indoor driving course for Leonard Little to learn how to better drive while ‘keeping it real.’ (All subsequent single mother drivers to be placed on the roadways will have to be drafted in later rounds.)

3.“With the third pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Atlanta Falcons select… Adam Sandler, Burt Reynolds, and the screenplay rights to ‘The Longest Yard 3. Dogs is goin’ down.’

4.“With the fourth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Oakland Raiders select…This just in, the Raiders have traded their 1rst round pick, along with their 4th and 6th round picks, as well as last year’s Number 1 overall pick, Jamarcus Russell, to the Philadelphia Eagles in exchange for third-string wide receiver, Hank Baskett. It’s the Raiders, guys. Is anyone surprised?”

5.“ With the fifth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select…a grounds keeper who knows that there is an ‘I’ in the name ‘Chiefs’. “Great Googly-Moogly”

6.“With the sixth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the New York Jets select…Bill Belichick’s head on a platter.”

7.“With the seventh pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the New England Patriots select…Tonya Harding and her posse of henchmen to go ape-sh&t on Matt Walsh’s kneecaps. What’s that? Oh, okay it’s no longer requested. It appears as though coach, Bill Belichick has been be-headed. That’s too bad.”

8.“With the eighth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Baltimore Ravens select…Brian Bilick in a limo driver’s uniform, and a shot gun. No questions asked.”

9.“With the ninth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select…The Swat team, the National Guard, The Army, The Marines, NASA’s missile defense system, Rambo, that Invisible British tank, and Dateline’s Chris Hanson.”

10.“With the tenth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the New Orleans Saints select…A mulligan of the 2006 NFL draft. No? Okay, then how about a president who doesn’t hate black people?”


And the rest of the first round goes like this…

11.Buffalo Bills- A nuclear attack on Nashville, TN. Can call it…”The Music City Every Single one of you Bitches Die!”
12.Denver Broncos- A LOT of spray on tanning lotion.
13.Carolina Panthers- A team of proctologists.
14.Chicago Bears- A wide receiver willing to wear the opposing team’s jersey so that Rex Grossman can find him.
15.Detroit Lions- A wide receiver.
16.Arizona Cardinals- 30 cans of prunes and a lifetime supply of Depends for quarterback, Kurt Warner.
17.Kansas City Chiefs- “Anyone in this room who wants to buy Larry Johnson’s contract from us. Anyone? Anyone?”
18.Houston Texans- HaHa. Reggie Bush. It still makes us laugh two years later.
19.Philadelphia Eagles- A lifetime supply of wrist, neck, back, ankle, arm, and calf braces, and “No, you’re best years really are ahead of you” books for Donovan McNabb.
20.Tampa Bay Buccaneers- The clown doll from ’Poltergeist. You know, just to make it interesting.
21.Washington Redskins- “Does it really matter? Just pick someone, and give him $300,000,000.”
22.Dallas Cowboys- A chapel. So we can spend every minute we’re not in practice praying that Pacman doesn’t realize Dallas has got some of the best strip joints in the country.
23.Pittsburgh Steelers- A new mascot.
24.Tennessee Titans- A strip club. Okay, maybe not. But it just feels kind of different not talking about one.
25.Seattle Seahawks- A 60 million dollar loan so that we can guarantee it to Julius Jones. Good running backs are so hard to find these days.
26.Jacksonville Jaguars- The key to Pittsburgh’s heart. (Just seems fitting after we already raped it’s daughter last year. Twice.)
27.San Diego Chargers- Better steroids-masking agents.
28.Dallas Cowboys- Probably been stolen by the Miami Dolphins by now.
29.San Francisco 49ers.- That picture on the front page of “The Sports Octagon”
30.Green Bay Packers- Brett Favre to say it ain’t so.
31.N.Y. Giants- Eli Manning’s honeymoon pics. C’mon. Tell me you don’t want to see them!

That’s it for this year’s mock draft! We’ll see you next year, and hopefully I can put you to sleep even faster!