Ladies and gentlemen, here he is once again…The Romo Sexual!!!
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, James Westfall.
Whoo, it’s good to be back. Good to be back here at the Sports Octagon once again. Not a lot of things have changed since my last appearance, with the exception of course of the front page photo. I mean really, what the hell is that all about? A bunch of guys in tuxedos, showing off their underpants? I mean, am I writing about sports here, or am I writing about homosexual rights to a formal outdoor gangbang?
Sports?
Okay, great. Wise choice.
So the NFL draft is today. (Or tomorrow if you’re living in Hawaii.) And I thought, with all the mock drafts swirling about the internet these days, why not come up with “The Romo Sexual’s Annual Mock Draft”? Seriously why not? Everything else I’ve ever done has been a roaring success! Like my weekly picks. Well, no, not really. Or my run at the ‘No Touching of the Hair or Face’ crown. Okay, not so much. There was the time I…no, three people ended up getting arrested. Okay, Okay, I got it. Once I did…no, she turned out to be 16.
Well, whatever. Here is the first ever Romo Sexual Mock Draft. And we’re not exactly drafting players here, so much as teams’ needs. I would explain further, but I figure you’ll get it after the first couple of picks.
Enjoy!
1.“With the first pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Miami Dolphins select…The Dallas Cowboys, and half of their coaching staff. Oh, can’t do that? Okay, then we’ll just take half of their coaching staff, a few of their veteran players, and Jake Long out of Michigan.”
2.“With the second pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the St. Louis Rams select…An indoor driving course for Leonard Little to learn how to better drive while ‘keeping it real.’ (All subsequent single mother drivers to be placed on the roadways will have to be drafted in later rounds.)
3.“With the third pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Atlanta Falcons select… Adam Sandler, Burt Reynolds, and the screenplay rights to ‘The Longest Yard 3. Dogs is goin’ down.’
4.“With the fourth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Oakland Raiders select…This just in, the Raiders have traded their 1rst round pick, along with their 4th and 6th round picks, as well as last year’s Number 1 overall pick, Jamarcus Russell, to the Philadelphia Eagles in exchange for third-string wide receiver, Hank Baskett. It’s the Raiders, guys. Is anyone surprised?”
5.“ With the fifth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select…a grounds keeper who knows that there is an ‘I’ in the name ‘Chiefs’. “Great Googly-Moogly”
6.“With the sixth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the New York Jets select…Bill Belichick’s head on a platter.”
7.“With the seventh pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the New England Patriots select…Tonya Harding and her posse of henchmen to go ape-sh&t on Matt Walsh’s kneecaps. What’s that? Oh, okay it’s no longer requested. It appears as though coach, Bill Belichick has been be-headed. That’s too bad.”
8.“With the eighth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Baltimore Ravens select…Brian Bilick in a limo driver’s uniform, and a shot gun. No questions asked.”
9.“With the ninth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select…The Swat team, the National Guard, The Army, The Marines, NASA’s missile defense system, Rambo, that Invisible British tank, and Dateline’s Chris Hanson.”
10.“With the tenth pick in the 2008 NFL draft, the New Orleans Saints select…A mulligan of the 2006 NFL draft. No? Okay, then how about a president who doesn’t hate black people?”
And the rest of the first round goes like this…
11.Buffalo Bills- A nuclear attack on Nashville, TN. Can call it…”The Music City Every Single one of you Bitches Die!”
12.Denver Broncos- A LOT of spray on tanning lotion.
13.Carolina Panthers- A team of proctologists.
14.Chicago Bears- A wide receiver willing to wear the opposing team’s jersey so that Rex Grossman can find him.
15.Detroit Lions- A wide receiver.
16.Arizona Cardinals- 30 cans of prunes and a lifetime supply of Depends for quarterback, Kurt Warner.
17.Kansas City Chiefs- “Anyone in this room who wants to buy Larry Johnson’s contract from us. Anyone? Anyone?”
18.Houston Texans- HaHa. Reggie Bush. It still makes us laugh two years later.
19.Philadelphia Eagles- A lifetime supply of wrist, neck, back, ankle, arm, and calf braces, and “No, you’re best years really are ahead of you” books for Donovan McNabb.
20.Tampa Bay Buccaneers- The clown doll from ’Poltergeist. You know, just to make it interesting.
21.Washington Redskins- “Does it really matter? Just pick someone, and give him $300,000,000.”
22.Dallas Cowboys- A chapel. So we can spend every minute we’re not in practice praying that Pacman doesn’t realize Dallas has got some of the best strip joints in the country.
23.Pittsburgh Steelers- A new mascot.
24.Tennessee Titans- A strip club. Okay, maybe not. But it just feels kind of different not talking about one.
25.Seattle Seahawks- A 60 million dollar loan so that we can guarantee it to Julius Jones. Good running backs are so hard to find these days.
26.Jacksonville Jaguars- The key to Pittsburgh’s heart. (Just seems fitting after we already raped it’s daughter last year. Twice.)
27.San Diego Chargers- Better steroids-masking agents.
28.Dallas Cowboys- Probably been stolen by the Miami Dolphins by now.
29.San Francisco 49ers.- That picture on the front page of “The Sports Octagon”
30.Green Bay Packers- Brett Favre to say it ain’t so.
31.N.Y. Giants- Eli Manning’s honeymoon pics. C’mon. Tell me you don’t want to see them!
That’s it for this year’s mock draft! We’ll see you next year, and hopefully I can put you to sleep even faster!
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
HE'S DOING WHAT?!!!!
Say it isn't so Dwayne!
From the pages of Meadiatakeout.com:
"According to a person affiliated with the Miami Heat organization, Star Jones has been picking up Dwayne after most of their recent home games. Teammates are even joking around with him about it. They say he has to watch his back - cause Al's gonna get him."
I'm not saying the rumors are true but, if they are, I will only believe that Dwayne is taking one for the team. This is the Slump Buster to end all Slump Busters. Sure, Star has lost about 100 lbs with her stomach staple but that only makes her hot like Carnie Wilson! This is EASILY one of the top 5 most disturbing things I've ever known of a professional athlete doing.
The Chuckster is removing Dwayne from his "Fav 5", as we speak.
"That's terrr-ible, just terrr-ible. You're a young man, D. Don't do it."
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Thanks, 'Nats!
Remember 2 weeks ago? Remember when the Detroit Tigers were the worst team in the history of Major League, Minor League, College, Highschool, and Little League baseball history because they had the audacity of starting 0-6?
Well, at the same time that Detroit Thug-city went 0-6, the Texas Rangers were 3-3, with some promising looking starting pitching. Since that 0-6 '8-Mile' start, the Tigers have gone 9-7, while the Rangers have gone 4-12.
That's right. Even though the Tigers were on the verge of being the first team since the Chicago 'Black'sox to being (metaphorically speaking) banned from the league all together, the Rangers have found a way to do what they do best, and sink lower than the lowest.
Worst team in the AL two weeks ago? The Tigers.
Team most likely to not make the playoffs two weeks ago? The Tigers.
Worst team in the AL now? The Rangers.
Team most likely to not make the playoffs now? The Rangers.
Team most likely to make me consider hanging myself, and would probably do so if it weren't for the fact that the Cowboys are a contender in the NFL again? The Rangers.
Most overrated team in their division? The Mavericks. (Just had to throw that in there.)
What all of this means is simple. The Rangers are the worst team in the AL, but only the SECOND worst team in the 'Bigs. Thank you, Washington Nationals. You have given us a reason to hope, and a reason to... well, actually the only thing you've given us is the privilege of saying we're not the worst team in Major League Baseball.......yet.
Well, at the same time that Detroit Thug-city went 0-6, the Texas Rangers were 3-3, with some promising looking starting pitching. Since that 0-6 '8-Mile' start, the Tigers have gone 9-7, while the Rangers have gone 4-12.
That's right. Even though the Tigers were on the verge of being the first team since the Chicago 'Black'sox to being (metaphorically speaking) banned from the league all together, the Rangers have found a way to do what they do best, and sink lower than the lowest.
Worst team in the AL two weeks ago? The Tigers.
Team most likely to not make the playoffs two weeks ago? The Tigers.
Worst team in the AL now? The Rangers.
Team most likely to not make the playoffs now? The Rangers.
Team most likely to make me consider hanging myself, and would probably do so if it weren't for the fact that the Cowboys are a contender in the NFL again? The Rangers.
Most overrated team in their division? The Mavericks. (Just had to throw that in there.)
What all of this means is simple. The Rangers are the worst team in the AL, but only the SECOND worst team in the 'Bigs. Thank you, Washington Nationals. You have given us a reason to hope, and a reason to... well, actually the only thing you've given us is the privilege of saying we're not the worst team in Major League Baseball.......yet.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Nobody Cares
So, I'm watching the NBA playoffs tonight, and after watching the Mavericks march one step closer to their annual 1rst round playoff exit, I decided to watch the Suns and Spurs, hoping to see at least one Texas team win in the last two nights.
After watching nearly 4 straight hours of NBA basketball, I started to notice a recurring theme. No, it wasn't that the officiating was bad. No, it wasn't that Charles Barkley is opinionated. And no, it wasn't that I think we've got a national crisis on our hands, because at one point I saw three white players on the court at the same time, meaning there is obviously a decline in black NBA players, and we need to pull congress together to discuss this tragedy, pay millions of dollars to study the decline in black NBA players, and maybe even have Bill Russell's wife speak at a press confrence about how this is a sad and shameful day in American history.
No, what I've noticed is that the "NBA Cares". That's right, the NBA Cares. We get it. You really don't have to spend every single commercial break reminding us. They do community service, great. But can they hit clutch free throws with the game on the line?
Now look, don't misunderstand what I'm saying here. Community service and helping out those less fortunate than you is a very important thing. It is, I get that. In fact, just the other day I found the opportunity to help a homeless guy I saw in the street. I walked within a safe 20 yards of him, and yelled, "Hey, Bum! Get out of the street before one of those cars nail you!"
But do I really need to see Michael Finnley sit in a bulldozer, pose for a photo, then get on a ladder and put two meaningless strokes of paint on the side of a house that doesn't even need painting, and pose for another photo? Really? Do I really need to see that?
I don't think so.
The NBA Cares. Great. Just stop trying to make me care that you care, because I don't.
After watching nearly 4 straight hours of NBA basketball, I started to notice a recurring theme. No, it wasn't that the officiating was bad. No, it wasn't that Charles Barkley is opinionated. And no, it wasn't that I think we've got a national crisis on our hands, because at one point I saw three white players on the court at the same time, meaning there is obviously a decline in black NBA players, and we need to pull congress together to discuss this tragedy, pay millions of dollars to study the decline in black NBA players, and maybe even have Bill Russell's wife speak at a press confrence about how this is a sad and shameful day in American history.
No, what I've noticed is that the "NBA Cares". That's right, the NBA Cares. We get it. You really don't have to spend every single commercial break reminding us. They do community service, great. But can they hit clutch free throws with the game on the line?
Now look, don't misunderstand what I'm saying here. Community service and helping out those less fortunate than you is a very important thing. It is, I get that. In fact, just the other day I found the opportunity to help a homeless guy I saw in the street. I walked within a safe 20 yards of him, and yelled, "Hey, Bum! Get out of the street before one of those cars nail you!"
But do I really need to see Michael Finnley sit in a bulldozer, pose for a photo, then get on a ladder and put two meaningless strokes of paint on the side of a house that doesn't even need painting, and pose for another photo? Really? Do I really need to see that?
I don't think so.
The NBA Cares. Great. Just stop trying to make me care that you care, because I don't.
Overheard Before The Rockets Game Monday
Friday, April 18, 2008
Japaneese Baseball Players Are Wusses
I came across this tidbit this morning....
"A Japanese high school pleaded for a regional game to be abandoned after surrendering 66 runs in less than two innings, local media reported on Thursday.
The coach of Kawamoto technical high school threw in the towel to spare his pitcher's arm with his team losing 66-0 with just one batter out in the bottom of the second.
The hapless hurler had already sent down over 250 pitches, allowing 26 runs in the first inning and 40 in the second before Kawamoto asked for mercy.
'At that pace the pitcher would have thrown around 500 pitches in four innings," Kawamoto's coach was quoted as saying. "There was a danger he could get injured.'
Opponents Shunshukan were officially credited with a 9-0 victory, giving the scoreline a tinge of respectability for the luckless Kawamoto school."
Really, coach? You start to worry about your pitcher's arm after 250 pitches? Really? I have so many questions for this coach that I don't know where to begin.
1. Was this the only pitcher you had on the team?
2. At what pitch count would you have started warming someone else up?
3. What was wrong with showing concern at 80 pitches? 100? 150?
4. Was there anyone playing in the field?
5. Does your pitcher have a minor league deal with the Cincinnati Reds?
6. Were you thinking ... "okay, its only 65 runs, we can still make it up if we.....DAMN! Another run! That's it guys, i'm calling it."
Side note - 66 runs in 1.1 innings equates to an ERA of 540. No decimal points! That's 5-4-0, as in hundreds.
"A Japanese high school pleaded for a regional game to be abandoned after surrendering 66 runs in less than two innings, local media reported on Thursday.
The coach of Kawamoto technical high school threw in the towel to spare his pitcher's arm with his team losing 66-0 with just one batter out in the bottom of the second.
The hapless hurler had already sent down over 250 pitches, allowing 26 runs in the first inning and 40 in the second before Kawamoto asked for mercy.
'At that pace the pitcher would have thrown around 500 pitches in four innings," Kawamoto's coach was quoted as saying. "There was a danger he could get injured.'
Opponents Shunshukan were officially credited with a 9-0 victory, giving the scoreline a tinge of respectability for the luckless Kawamoto school."
Really, coach? You start to worry about your pitcher's arm after 250 pitches? Really? I have so many questions for this coach that I don't know where to begin.
1. Was this the only pitcher you had on the team?
2. At what pitch count would you have started warming someone else up?
3. What was wrong with showing concern at 80 pitches? 100? 150?
4. Was there anyone playing in the field?
5. Does your pitcher have a minor league deal with the Cincinnati Reds?
6. Were you thinking ... "okay, its only 65 runs, we can still make it up if we.....DAMN! Another run! That's it guys, i'm calling it."
Side note - 66 runs in 1.1 innings equates to an ERA of 540. No decimal points! That's 5-4-0, as in hundreds.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
12 truths about The NFL Schedule
It has now been officially 24 hours since the release of the NFL regular season schedule, and I would like to point out a couple of interesting tidbits I gathered from the Dallas Cowboys' schedule:
1. The Cowboys are better than the Bengals.
2. Chad Johnson wants out of Cincy.
3. Who can blame him?
4. I'm 94% certain that 76% of the Cincinnati population likes members of the same sex.
5. Chad Johnson will probably be playing for the Cowboys in '08.
6. The Cowboys were already better than the Bengals, with Ocho Cinco they'll just be ridiculously good.
7. The Bengals suck.
8. A study by the National Journal of all things that Suck suggests that all Cincinnati Bengals fans are related.
9. That's right. If you like the Bengals, your father is probably your uncle and brother.
10. And sister.
11. What the hell were we talking about?
12. Oh yeah, the Cowboys are gonna beat the sh%t out of the Bengals on October 5th!!!!!!
1. The Cowboys are better than the Bengals.
2. Chad Johnson wants out of Cincy.
3. Who can blame him?
4. I'm 94% certain that 76% of the Cincinnati population likes members of the same sex.
5. Chad Johnson will probably be playing for the Cowboys in '08.
6. The Cowboys were already better than the Bengals, with Ocho Cinco they'll just be ridiculously good.
7. The Bengals suck.
8. A study by the National Journal of all things that Suck suggests that all Cincinnati Bengals fans are related.
9. That's right. If you like the Bengals, your father is probably your uncle and brother.
10. And sister.
11. What the hell were we talking about?
12. Oh yeah, the Cowboys are gonna beat the sh%t out of the Bengals on October 5th!!!!!!
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